Happy New Year, love is all you need

I wish for you all , the best days, peaceful nights and love for 2009.

a smile speaks 1000 words

when i took my daughter out shopping today, i asked her which cake mix (flavor) she wanted me to bake for her birthday tomorrow. smiling, she pointed to the 'confetti' vanilla mix. she is excited she is having a birthday and so am i! she pointed out rootbeer and chips. tomorrow is a day to celebrate the life of my daughter, the heroic young woman who has never given up and inspired me, the one whose shadow is where i reside. happy birthday L.!

my daughter bought me a present

those days I took her out to re-learn how to spend her money on thursdays--she had been buying some bags of chocolates and candy and a few beanie babies. on christmas day she brought them home and presented my middle daughter and myself with them! this is "the old self" she loves to give gifts, and there she bought them and planned for christmas gifts right in front of me and i never knew it!

then, yesterday i picked her up to go out and she came out with another bag--of peppermint patties--for my birthday! she brought money with her and when we went in the drug store she bought a beanie polar bear. when we got in the car she handed it to me. "is this for my birthday?" i said. she smiled enormously and I hugged her.

why is this so wonderful? because she is here, doing these things and she may be having a struggle right now, but look at that...I feel she is a miracle i really do. anything she does is a miracle because she is surviving everything she went through, all i can say is she is a real hero, and i hope one day she becomes strong enough to walk onto a stage and tell her story. what a gripping story she has, and i've just been a person by her side. imagine what she would say about what she saw.

thank you all for the kind comments and birthday wishes too!

gratitude

Dear everyone,

These comments are full of heartfelt concern, and compassion, and problem solving thoughts, I sincerely am touched by all of you taking the time to encourage me and think with me, and send positives my daughter's way.

Christmas Day, it was snowing. I drove to get my daughter, and for the first time in years I had 2 of my daughters here, and L was happy, she ate lasagne, sat with her sister, it was as perfect of a day I could have ever asked for.

My friend I talk about here sometimes, was here with me supporting all of us and without him the day would not have been such a miracle and gift for me and my daughters.

I took a walk in the snow this morning, and tomorrow I turn 49.

I have a lot to say about the care facility pulling BS ....I'm not going to let them, to put it mildly.

Love to everyone, thank you for being here.
~
*addendum

THANK YOU JAYME!, for dedicating this to my daughter, when I read this post...tears! thank you for this so much. One day, I hope this for her. What you have done with the Peer Support and Wellness Center is inspiring and I hope everyone sees how we need these places. You are truly a gift to this world.

calling all angels

i spent the day taking my daughter to the clozaril blood draw. ice and snow covered roads and 120 miles so that she can be taken to the lab where they know her and treat her kindly. when i got there the staff told me the people in charge of (the state) care facility want her to get on track for paperwork to show her eating, showering and self-care or they will force a court order for her to do it. there is nothing worse than being me at this point. here is why. it's the me who has been trying to become independent and bringing my daughter to independence, you know, so she can be without me and take care of herself? so many conflicted emotions but the first reaction was over my dead body, like hell no one will take her freedom away like that and i was pissed. she wrote me a note and needed to do her laundry. i told her to start the clothes there and they would wash while we went to the blood work. i wanted to cry, scream, cry that no one will ever put her in a place that was bad like those hospitals again. i walked through the snow with her, took her into the lab, got her the ice cream, and talked to her about "her job". because, she has one. this is it.

my crossroads as a mother. me, over here in the corner walking out of the shadows and finding a balance of myself, and realizing my daughter is pretty darn disabled and slowly making progress, but hell she needs to be reminded to eat and shower. skipping meals isn't an option and the fury and protective mother instinct in me even knows that. she has to fight for herself.

i have so many readers i would like to tap into it by asking you to please send good thoughts and prayers to my daughter, the prayer i would pray for her is to find the strength, the fighter inside, the spark to ignite, to want to be anything, anything but giving up. a simple request, as i go to sleep tonight, is what i whispered out loud to myself in the car as i left her tonight, " tell me you will be ok".

this is where i stand on the precipice, looking forward to open space and below is dark and i stand with my heart frozen in my hand. somewhere.

she's coming home on christmas day. for a while, a small moment in time, i hope for her a peaceful time, i hope the tree speaks to her with its lights, i hope for her a lifetime of christmas trees. and i really want her to be ok.

i saw a co worker this evening who knew her at school, and i started thinking about all of the kids we taught over the years, and honestly this may sound selfish or something, but i never ever imagined my daughter would end up more dysfunctional and in a care facility. it's hard to catch up when life comes at you this way, a fast and furious yet slow onset...autistic, psychosis, schizophrenic, all i know is it feels like i need a breath of air. i'm having a good christmas, and 2 of my daughters will be here christmas day. it's all good. my youngest just needs to eat and have a routine that works for a good life. this is a ramble now, but the reason a very long time ago i named my blog the title that it has, is because this is a place i place my deepest feelings and put them away. and learn and grow. i can see myself better now. but i am tired. i want to have a break. and there is no break from being a caregiver. just days off. and then it seems if i'm not around my daughter doesn't function. well at home she wasn't either. it's the self-care thing. God do you promise to watch over her?

merry christmas and happy holidays

to my readers and friends, i wish for you the best holiday, and a wonderful new year. thank you for the last year of support, it means much to me, and made my days easier. i've had a good ending to this year and for that i am grateful and give thanks. "may your days be merry, and bright, and may all your christmas' be white". (may your dreams come true)

Stephany

snow angel

"ok i'll be there in one hour, have your hat and gloves on"

"ok, bye".

~

and then my daughter and i went to the store and the post office and she enjoyed seeing the snow along the road. i was relieved to see her, and see that she was taking good care of herself. i told her i get bummed out when i can't get to her because of the snow and ice on the roads (last thursday i couldn't get to the allowance day)and told her i was learning how to go with the flow and she smiled and nodded at me. i am still my usual self, trying to not worry about her. today it's snowing more and it snowed all night, it's really beautiful outside!

next week is clozaril blood draw day and that will be a challenge in this weather and with the holidays, and it's something to consider, that mental illness doesn't take a holiday. but life goes on and it's going better every day.

*i didn't lose power, all of the trees are still 100ft tall (and rooted into the ground) it's snowing right now and lovely, all is well here!

now this rocks!

Bob Fiddaman gives an AC/DC tribute to some awesome women advocate/campaigners, read their blogs!

Fiddy you rock! thank you!(love the song!)

winter wonderland

greetings!i've been offline a bit, busy with christmas shopping and taking walks in the snow. it started snowing thursday morning, as i was driving i hit an ice patch and skidded and hit a curb pretty hard, which gave me a fright! i've never seen the area so crippled from a snow storm for a while. i've enjoyed walking in the snow, it's very peaceful and beautiful. yesterday it was about 25 degrees and it's about 18 or so at night. for a former figure skater, i am pretty klutzy on ice now. here's a photo of my dog, the author of 'serendipity dog' blog on my side bar. i missed the allowance day thursday for my daughter because the roads were so undrivable. have a wonderful holiday season, merry christmas and let's all love 2009! it has to be good!

*severe windstorm heading my way, which is predicting power outages---i may end up with an internet holiday as a result. hugs to all!

quotes and poems; here's a good one

The glory of friendship is not the outstretched hand, nor the kindly smile, nor the joy of companionship; it is the spiritual inspiration that comes to one when he discovers that someone else believes in him and is willing to trust him with his friendship.
~
Ralph Waldo Emerson

originally posted on june 4, 2008

here
~
That's what it takes to be a hero, a little gem of innocence inside you that makes you want to believe that there still exists a right and wrong, that decency will somehow triumph in the end.

~Lise Hand, describing Irish journalist Veronica Guerin, who was killed as a result of her investigations of Irish organized crime.

orginal post date june 26, 2008

here.

golden snowflakes

Saturday, December 01, 2007

golden snowflakes

i ran for the door and out i went with the dog racing behind me. look at those snowflakes, here comes my life. i felt every cup of hot chocolate i ever drank warm my soul. i could hear my voice ring through the years to my kids, "it's snowing!". it was as if life was good and perfect without worry, angst or pain for one fleeting moment-- life was golden. i walked back into the house and started the coffee.
~

snow is still on the ground here with more in the forecast. today is my grief counseling session with my psychiatrist. tomorrow is allowance day for my daughter, but i may go see her today too, she is in my mind right now. sometimes that happens and she needs help with laundry or something when i get there. i pick a friend up at the airport tomorrow and tonight i am baking an apple pie. savor your golden moments.

take me to your garden

artist: georgia o'keeffe
photos: in stephany's garden






in your garden you can walk alone
watch the roses climb the stone
...oh take me to your garden
let me look around
take me to your garden

music:'take me to your garden', kristin mooney
~

"Life is a state of mind" --thoughts for sunday

"Life is a state of mind" --thoughts for sunday

"Security. Tranquility. A Well Deserved Rest. All the aims I have pursued will soon be realized."

"Life,-- is a state of mind."



'Being There', Peter Sellers,Final Scene'
~

What gives you security, tranquility and if you had a well deserved rest, how would you gain that?

Where do you feel secure?

Where do you feel tranquil?

Where do you rest?

Do you practice mindfulness?

my day with sugar on trees, lights on reindeer

it's snowing, all wonderful and powdered sugar in appearance. earlier in the day i had a chevy chase christmas vacation holiday outdoor decoration moment. the twinkling lights reindeer that has a moving head. i admit to cussing, when the head would not connect to the body, while turned on the head swayed back and forth like a disconnected mind from body, head from body, no it looked like a dog barfing. wrestling with the metal deer it finally snaps all together without explanation of any mechanical expertise. then the garage door auto-opener broke, which meant the horror of all horrors, i had to move boxes of junk from my massively over-stuffed junk garage to the driveway and reach the cord to disengage the door. lucky for me my middle daughter drove up right then and being taller than me, we took a handy coat hanger and yanked the release cord. yes, the door came crashing down and i nearly lost my head. all is well! the deer is lit up, and then it started to snow. oh it looks so pretty, i love, love ,love the snow like this.

Christopher Lane:Social Anxiety & The Paxil Papers:GSK Internal Documents

Christopher Lane:Social Anxiety & The Paxil Papers:GSK Internal Documents

Christopher Lane, author of several books including, SHYNESS:How Normal Behavior Became a Sickness has posted links to GlaxoSmithKline's internal Paxil documents.

"Drug Treatments for Social Anxiety

In the 1970s, when it first developed Paxil as an antidepressant, GlaxoSmithKline (then SmithKline Beecham) was so unimpressed by the results that it considered shelving the drug.

But in 2000, the year after Paxil received FDA approval to treat social anxiety disorder, GSK spent $92 million pushing Paxil as the remedy—almost $3 million more on advertising than Pfizer spent that year on Viagra.

Paid consultants (some receiving fees from up to 17 different drug companies) were prepared to say that almost one American in five experiences social anxiety disorder in particular, and nearly one-third of the country suffers from some form of anxiety disorder.

That first figure was based on a study involving randomized telephone calls to 526 urban Canadians. Their self-reported levels of social anxiety resulted in percentages ranging from 1.9% to 18.7%. The higher figure was widely reported in subsequent literature, as a claim about the likely social anxiety prevalence rates in the U.S overall.

GSK has spent over $165 million in class action lawsuits since Paxil received FDA approval in March 1999 (Business News, March 28, 2006; Washington Drug Letter, April 3, 2006).

GSK continues to call the drug “safe and well-tolerated,” even after acknowledging, in a confidential memo quoted in Shyness, that one-in-five patients suffers mild-to-serious side effects from Paxil.

Information about some of those side effects was withheld from the public."

The above is an excerpt from Christopher Lane's site.

Hat tip: Bob Fiddaman-Seroxat Sufferers Blog(PAXIL)

everywhere you go

~

Weather With You, Lyrics by Crowded House

lemonade award

Chunks of Reality has given me The Lemonade Award, and her description of my blog made me cry. Thank you for thinking of me, and the kind words.
~
All of these blogs make me think, cry, laugh and appreciate life, just by catching a glimpse into the world where they sit and type: from their heart and soul. We've all been on quite a journey, and I think we are doing a great job turning lemons into lemonade.
~
One of my lemonade stories about my daughter. She was raging on the antidepressant Zoloft, the Spring she was 13 years old. She had been home from school for a week, and was so miserable. I called the psychiatrist and he kept telling me to increase her Zoloft for agitation. I read as much as I could find at the time and saw a connection to her aggression and the 150mg. of Zoloft she took every day. I read a page from a book to the doctor over the phone and told him what I thought, I also wrote up a paper (2001) that was ahead of it's time about her suicidal ideation that she experienced on antidepressants. The box warning came out in 2004. She loves lemons. Lemon chicken, lemon bars, lemon anything. Especially lemons squeezed into water nice and tart, no sugar lemonade. She was having a wild roller coaster of a day one day coming off of the Zoloft, the withdrawals lasted 2 months. She started hurling lemons at me in the kitchen, and as I ducked I picked them up, stood up and said, "OK, let's make lemonade." And we did.

Thanks for inspiring me, each one of you.
~

invinsible summers.

Rayne's World.

Something right with Stan.

If you're going through hell, keep going.

JustAna.

Aftermath.

Merely Me's Multiple Synchronicities (and sclerosis).

psych survivor 2.0.

One Bipolar Life.


Tales from the Trailerpark.

~
The rules of this award are as follows:

Put the logo on your blog or post.
Nominate at least 10 blogs which show great Attitude and/or Gratitude!
Be sure to link to your nominees within your post.
Let them know that they have received this award by commenting on their blog.
Share the love and link to this post and to the person from whom you received your award.

Lilly and Diabetes: Zyprexa :Suspense thriller

ISP ELI LILLY AND COMPANY
Domain LILLY.COM
City INDIANAPOLIS
Region INDIANA
Country UNITED STATES
Date Time WebPage
December 10, 2008 10:47:59 PM soulful sepulcher: BMS-Abilify & AstraZeneca Seroquel: dynamic duo for diabetes: Dapagliflozin & ONGLYZA/saxagliptin
http://bipolarsoupkitchen-stephany.blogspot.com/2008/12/bms-abilify-astrazeneca-sero quel.html

I found it interesting to see Lilly reading my post for BMS and AstraZeneca's diabetes pipeline medications. Lilly wanted these internal documents hidden from the public,and are hosted on Furious Seasons mental health news blog. ( free--no charge for viewing the documents-- but contributions are accepted). The documents show a timeline of how diabetes was a known side effect long before the warning by the FDA.


*My daughter was prescribed this drug in 1999 for a misdiagnosis, at age 11. She gained 100lbs. Inpatient in a psychiatric hospital in 2006 she received the cosmetic tote...a DTC (Direct to Consumer)product left at the hospital by drug reps.Samples of Zyprexa given to my daughter.Zyprexa is still not approved by the FDA for use in children. (my photos)

Lilly Diabetes Launches Major, International Patient-Focused Initiative - Diabetes Conversations - To Enhance Patient and Healthcare Professional Educational Experience, a "tool" for consumers from Lilly.

The Zyprexa Chronicles

At Furious Seasons,Philip Dawdy, an award winning investigative journalist has authored a series over the years titled, The Zyprexa Chronicles.

The articles read like a suspense thriller, not lacking in greed and corruption-- where an industry for profit in the name of health, ends up in court, being sued by states and with citizens injured and killed. The pharmaceutical industry, Eli Lilly and Zyprexa.

clozaril day

it seems i can write some consistent posts on a time line of what i do during the week with my daughter. it was clozaril day today and i was literally on the edge of my chair in the lab watching them try to find a vein.she's got scar tissue and is a very hard draw. it's awful. she has been walking into the ice cream place with me now though and did today again, and she swapped out the cookie dough ice cream for egg nog flavor. her eyes lit up as she read something last time and i asked her if she wanted egg nog ice cream (that she was looking at). and so she did today too. tomorrow is allowance day and i am bringing her home to see the dog and wash her jacket that she will not part with more than as long as it takes to wash it. there is snow in the weather forecast here in the next few days, and my back hurts. that's my update.

BMS-Abilify & AstraZeneca Seroquel: dynamic duo for diabetes: Dapagliflozin & ONGLYZA/saxagliptin

Warnings for diabetes as a side effect for Abilify and Seroquel.

~

"AstraZeneca and Bristol-Myers Squibb are expanding their collaboration on a new type 2 diabetes drug to include Japan. Researchers for the two companies began testing dapagliflozin back in 2007 and it's now in late-stage trials in several markets and mid-stage trials in Japan. The companies hope to start marketing the drug around the world in 2012.

"Bristol-Myers Squibb and AstraZeneca have been working together to develop dapagliflozin for type 2 diabetes for nearly two year--this inclusion of Japan was a natural progression of our collaboration and an important strategic step in our relationship," said Lamberto Andreotti, executive vice president and COO for Bristol-Myers Squibb. "Our companies have a shared vision for these diabetes treatments, and this agreement will help ensure we can successfully launch and maximize the potential of dapagliflozin for the more than 6 million people in Japan living with type 2 diabetes."

In the deal, AstraZeneca has operational and cost responsibility for all development and regulatory activities on behalf of the collaboration in Japan. In addition to the companies' collaboration on dapagliflozin, they have been working together to develop another potential treatment for type 2 diabetes--Onglyza (saxagliptin)--globally, excluding Japan."- fierce pharma link

NOTE: the patent on Seroquel expires in 2012, the target release year for one of the new diabetes drugs.

*my photos of a DTC ad for Abilify on a phone booth

Dr.Joseph Biederman:Defends self in letter: conflict of interest

Joseph Biederman, the most prominent researcher and doctor promoting pediatric bipolar disorder, the one who trialed Risperdal on 5-14 year olds in 1999 has this to say:

"The center's goal was to advance science; as a business, J&J sought commercial applications for our work," Biederman wrote. "But any implication that J&J's interests interfered with the center's work is wrong. Indeed, I have published research critical of J&J compounds. I never owned J&J stock, and whether the company succeeded financially had no importance to me. What does matter to me is the treatment of children and families experiencing great suffering."

Biederman also denied that he engaged in "ghostwriting." A court document suggests that Janssen employees ghostwrote a summary of a study, to be presented at a 2002 meeting of child psychiatrists, on which Biederman was to be listed as presenting author. But Biederman said in his letter that the "primary author of the relevant article, a J&J researcher and expert scientist, was appropriately listed as the lead author."
~
In my opinion,Joseph Biederman rides the axis of evil in the promotion of the drugging of American children, and if this train does not stop the next generations of children will all be on antipsychotics for a mental illness that does not even exist in the DSM.

In my opinion, Joseph Biederman is being investigated for a reason that will end up reaching far and wide, and it is the children who are and will be suffering. A letter to the Boston Globe? He needs to stand trial in front of a jury.

Article-Psychiatrist responds to charges--Boston Globe letter.

Ray Sandford: Involuntary, Forced Outpatient ECT: Minnesota December 10th

This is Ray Sandford. He is a 54-year-old Minnesota resident who has regularly been receiving "Involuntary Outpatient Electroshock." (ECT, forced against his wishes) Ray says the weekly forced electroshock "scary as hell." He absolutely opposes having the procedure. He says it's causing poor memory for names such as of friends and his favorite niece.

*ACTION ALERT*

(Direct copy and paste from MindFreedom International)

International Human Rights Day

This Wednesday, 10 December 2008, human rights activists all over the world will be celebrating the 60th anniversary of the signing of the United Nations Universal Declaration of Human Rights.


10 December is the UN's official International Human Rights Day.


10 December is also the day that Ray Sandford is scheduled to receive his 35th involuntary outpatient electroshock.

Unless action is taken swiftly, then this Wednesday morning, as he has been for most mornings in the last few months, Ray will be awakened early by staff in his room at the group residence Victory House near Minneapolis.

Once more an escort will bring him against his will the 15 miles to Mercy Hospital, where once more -- under court order -- doctors will place electrodes on his head for another electroconvulsive therapy (ECT), or electroshock, that can and has wiped out precious memories and cognitive abilities from Ray.

Call from anywhere in the world phone (651) 296-3391.

Meanwhile, the Governor is sponsoring a $200-a-head conference about International Human Rights Day!

Read the entire story here on MindFreedom's site.

the eagle

i took my daughter out today and she ate lunch alongside the river park i've taken her to before. no words from her but i asked if she wanted to walk and she got out of the car with me. as we walked along the river, an eagle soared overhead. "look! an eagle!", i said. then i said one of her most favorite inspirational verses she had made a drawing with a few years ago. "the eagle that soars over the river does not worry how to cross it."i walked alongside my daughter and thought how i need to really believe that. she already knows. i have to believe it now.

courage, without verbal communication

thursday was money day for my daughter. i've been going weekly to encourage her to sign paperwork for it and then be independent and purchase items, as i've been writing recently. so this week she signed the paperwork and on the way to go buy her usual candy, she wrote me a note in the car. it said the name of the local chinese food restaurant where she used to love to eat. i asked her if she wanted to go home and get the chinese food for take out and eat and visit the dog. she nodded yes. so we came home and she ate her lunch and looked so serene and content. i gave her a big piece of chocolate pie and she listened to christmas music. i asked her if she was going to read her fortune in her cookie and she looked at me. i said, "want me to read it?" i opened the cookie and here was her fortune:

"Your courage will guide your future."

She smiled and her facial expression was lifted eyebrows and one of those "you talking to me?" looks. i said, "yes, you have courage, you are my hero!".

She smiled and we drove back to her place, she listened to the christmas radio station (all day music) and though she never spoke, i think she was happy, she looked happy and i hope she knows how much her courage gives me my own to keep moving forward.

GSK Lamictal vs. Placebo: placebo wins

Thanks to Clinical Psychology and Psychiatry for the great article exposing GlaxoSmithKline hiding of data from clinical trial results that found Lamictal was no better than a placebo.

repeat the sounding joy

some of my photos from 2008. enjoy the music.

sparkling 2

my flowers in spring in my garden-- and december flowers created from lights.

sparkling

solace in gardens created from lights

imagine a garden of flowers created from lights. enjoy the golden moments for they are fleeting. be in the moment today.

MindFreedom Mental Health blog list

I was delighted to receive an email from MindFreedom that they included my blog on their mental health awareness blog list, and thank them for this.

"Blogs on changing the mental health system, human rights and alternatives".


MindFreedom Mental health awareness, alternatives etc.blog list link.

the drugs that take spirit and so much else

i don't know if anyone has been brave enough to say this, as a mom and caregiver. i will.

it's increasingly difficult to visit my daughter because the stress and pain of seeing her and those around her with permanent body damage from antipsychotic use.

my daughter has been on antipsychotics for 10 years. a decade. half of her lifetime.

she lives with other people who are a variant of ages. some have been on these drugs for 20 years...etc.

i sit with her at the group dining tables and these older people (many are my age) shaking, their hands tremoring away, their lips quivering and their eyes are empty. i don't think some of their eyes have sadness anymore, they are just vacant.

one young man plays the piano for me, and tells me each time how the medications cause him to forget his music, and one day i assured him that he has not stopped playing the piano and how wonderful it is to hear. he apologizes for not remembering more and then his hands shake.

when i see my daughter i remember so much, and she goes on these drives with me and eats candy and loves listening to the christmas music on the radio. then i take her back there.

i drive away and each time i do, my heart sinks and sinks.

antipsychotics are dangerous chemicals, nothing to take lightly, and they are being used for anxiety, insomnia and depression.

i am pro-truth, if labeled anything, it is from my heart and based on hundreds of people ive met via my daughter's care. they are suffering with permanent, forever damage. it's too much.