walking along the river

today with my daughter and a friend, i couldn't help but be equal in a feeling of victory (being on the walk with my daughter, she's not in a hospital, she is here) and a wave of sadness, the wondering of what if's and why's. they are like a cloak, a shadow, an ever-present darkness that tries to drown out my sunshine. i see the clients where she lives, and i see her youth, and i want her to be somewhere else...but she isn't. she's where she is, in her mind, she is quiet yet she hears us, she accomplished a new challenge on this outing today, her support circle has widened, and she has to feel good about that. i know i do, it's a blessing, a gift for me.

some days, i have this image of an ocean wave washing over me, and washing away all feelings. it was a good and great day today, but it takes time for healing. i'm getting there. i missed my dad today too, and thought about why he died in a plane crash. that took my mind to what i've accomplished in my life and that went on to my usual feelings of failure. those old tapes that run in our minds are negative and it keeps focus off the perspective we need for healing and growth. when these negatives enter my mind lately, they are very short-lived. after the outing i came home and my friend, my calm, gentle spirit of a friend and i walked on a long walk with the dog. we admired the beautiful night sky at dusk, with a bright planet and cresent moon in a foggy haze highlighted by a pastel sunset, with tall fir trees as dark silhouettes. that ended the day with peace in my mind.
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*this video is a tribute to van gogh, and all of us. who walk and admire starry nights, and who have been part of the mental health system, in many ways, as professionals, parents and patients. we are the lights that shine for others, beacons of hope for better outcomes for future lights to shine brighter. for those of us who have witnessed the horrors of institutions (my daughter and i have) i wish you peace. i know many readers have been inpatient, strapped to gurneys, and forced with injections for chemical restraints.(my daughter is one of them) i have seen too much, and so much, that the night sky is the only place, that seems to hold my peace.
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