choose life one day at a time

I left this comment for Ana on her blog, re: depression. I have a lot of stuff gone down over the years and much of it required forgiveness to move forward. forgiveness of others is one part, but forgiveness of self is the key. it's so easy to clamp the vice down hard on ourselves and take on the burden of self-hatred and self-doubt. it has taken me 3 years to get to the point of today, and yet a life time. the 3 years is the worst ---the last 3 years of hell---but from those years, with back to back trial and tragedy in my life, i had to do something.

i had to rely on me. on myself. at times, i let myself down. my wine drinking, replaced some medications, that i know. i had to really tighten down on myself and make sure i filled nothing (the void we all have that we try and fill that is heartache from personal trials) with the void except introspection and thought. no food, drink, person or poem can change or fill the lost soul, empty feeling void we all have. we all are human, full of emotions, and i dare say it's a spectrum like a rainbow. they are not always easy--emotions--they can make us or break us--but we have power within ourselves to take charge of destiny.

i was alone a very long time during the worst of times. that is good. why? because it forced me to self-examine, and find the real me in here. only then, could it have been possible to allow myself to trust love and receive it. in all of its wonderful and vibrant definition. having another person in my life has still pushed me to push myself. be comfortable in your own skin. and take the leap of faith to love yourself. as i suffered the life trials, last january when my dad was killed in a plane crash i made the decision i live with today: go off medication and feel my feelings and grief isn't easy to feel! as this last year past, i lost it a few times, used the wine as a numbing vice, and i had to deal with the grief. i've recently lowered xanax (a decade long drug here). the feelings are here. it's not easy. but i want life. and life isn't always comfortable.

~

"dear ana, (and everyone)

All I know is how I have been.

All of the events that took me down for the count (father killed, daughter psych ward, bankruptcy, and more)were life changes/events.

Start there.

Examine life, and how you feel today. Did you lose a job? a family member? feel life has past you by? not achieve your real dream?

Then start over.

Take it from today, there is no other way to do it.

Don't look for people/friends or lovers to fill voids. Nothing can ultimately give us inner joy but self-respect and self-acceptance.

Take the anger(another facet of depression)from being harmed by psych meds or doctors and channel that energy out.

It's all an energy force. I hit the wine bottle hard during the summer, and I ignored the mailbox.
But I kept moving. I forced myself to examine what the hell I want out of life and you know what?

Life is just too short to not take it by the balls and live!

I feel lucky to be here today, I feel the cloud over my head sometimes, I know the crappy way this feels.

But I know, also, that I don't want to wait to be 50 or 55 or 60 or 65 to finally realize I lost time.
I'm 49, and I have a lot of skydiving to do.

Step one: trust yourself."

~

i wish you all endless sunsets, Ana this sunset from Washington is for you.