i've gotten myself too wound up talking about schizophrenia, meds and everything. thankfully there is a peaceful diversion on JustAna's blog of women in paintings on a youtube video. i need a break now. it's painful reading about people having meds not work, and then having people defend meds and groups like NAMI that endorse that as end-all-be-all treatment. i wish i didn't have to see what i do when i see my daughter and her peers. reality and truth. wishing everyone peace today, as i seek it myself.
~
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveller, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;
Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,
And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.
I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood,
and I-- I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference
--Robert Frost
~
our paths are chosen by ourselves, yet it does not mean that they are easy to walk upon, for you see, it was destiny the entire time. one can wait for change or one can create it, and therefore create destiny, living in real time in a life destined for greatness, no matter what the world leaves at the doorstep. in pursuit of happiness, shall i walk. though with tired shoulder, i walk on, push forward, and with the grace of God have someone with me to take my hand and walk forward with me, for it is with compassion and love that friendship carries us.
~
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveller, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;
Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,
And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.
I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood,
and I-- I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference
--Robert Frost
~
our paths are chosen by ourselves, yet it does not mean that they are easy to walk upon, for you see, it was destiny the entire time. one can wait for change or one can create it, and therefore create destiny, living in real time in a life destined for greatness, no matter what the world leaves at the doorstep. in pursuit of happiness, shall i walk. though with tired shoulder, i walk on, push forward, and with the grace of God have someone with me to take my hand and walk forward with me, for it is with compassion and love that friendship carries us.
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20 comments:
Take care Stephany.
You need peace of mind.
Love,
Ana
March on Stephany. May you find peace on your walk. Just stopped in to see what condition your condition was in.
thanks Ana.
Mark, i just got out of the car after driving to take my daughter on a drive and i'm whining before the walk, ugh! that bleeping leg is one big charlie horse. i can do it, i can do it.
walk time in 15 minutes, then more whining later i bet! lol
They say to drink a little "whine for the stomach sake".
oh my God, this was a challenge to walk this afternoon, the whine-meter at 100% LOL
please, someone tell me getting in shape at age 49 is a good thing!
i wish i never squandered away my ballet/runner years now! UGH
i need a hot tub!
Stephany,
Stop that whining or I'll sic Gianna on you!
as long as she gives me a massage and one of her famous blueberry shakes!
Dear Steph:
Robert Frost is one of my favorite poets, and this is one of my favorite poems.
If only each of us could choose to take this road of our own true destiny as the path less traveled by; it would truly make all the difference.
This should also speak as a reminder to you and like others; to whine less and take authentic and earnest action more. The Mount Everest of symbolism in waiting as an hour glass to our earthly souls in each of our lives, just one step after another away as our pure and righteous path.
This is a worthy journey to grasp onto, and a waking dream to be revealed in all its magnificence and splendor.
Yours Truly,
Stan
Damn,
How does he do that?
I have no idea.
So how is your daughter doing now?
Doug,
Thanks for asking. She is non-verbal, and needs prompting for eating meals and showering(basic self-care). She will answer the phone when I call her and say 'hello' and 'bye' when I tell her I'm on my way to visit, but in person, not a single word.
She appears to have internal stimuli a lot. It's difficult. It's been an enormous thing for me to embrace it all, and stop having her memory with her voice haunt me. She's here, and that's what I focus on, is just being day to day.She likes going out in the car, and listens to music. If I snap my fingers or tap the steering wheel to the beat of the music, she will mimic that. I guess I could go on forever about her.
PS-- she doesn't talk at all, to anyone, except the few words to me. She stopped talking for nearly 3 years now, but it's been very, very silent for the last year. Just smiles. I think it's trauma. (I think all of the time, thus my blog outlet)
Stephany, Having a daughter myself, and reading your last two comments made my heart ache. God bless you and your daughter Stephany. And I mean that. Embrace the present and hope for good things in time. Never stop hugging and holding her when you are with her, even if she doesn't respond externally. There is magic in a touch. -Pete
Thank you very much, Pete. She's my youngest of 3 daughters. She used to hug people before saying hello; now she doesn't hug anyone, but will let me put my arm around her shoulder, and she smiles. That's her up in the photo in the blue cap looking at a river I walk with her at--she just started the last few months using money again. Tomorrow is her allowance day at residential care. I drive her to a drug store and she buys herself candy. No words, but reads how much it is, and pays the clerk. It is a big deal, because she had not done that for several years.
She was 17 and a senior in high school when this all happened, the spiral down became worse when she turned 18 in the mental health system--they sent her to adult hospital and she never talked again.
(she just turned 21)
Hi Stephany!
Yes, it is a good thing, albeit very challenging, to get back into shape at 49!;)
I am also working on getting back into shape after many years of very debilitating illness. (I, too, used to be an avid athlete.)
Ouch! It is not nearly as easy as it was many years ago! Quite a challenge!
I, too, like R. Frost's works. Good stuff! Thanks for sharing this.
Friendship/companionship can help tremendously when we are trying to work through (cope) with life's challenges.
Some burdens are so very heavy, they threaten to wear us down and out!
Often, if/when I divulge much of the truth about the topics you address here to "people in general," they are so upset by the realities that they cannot hear what I have to say.
Some of these same people would still not be able to look at, nor to hear, the truths, even if they had a child go through hell in institutions, while their child was hoping for (seeking) adequate/helpful care.
You have chosen a different path than many!
I commend you for acknowledging these truths and for lending a voice! Not everyone would believe s/he had the strength to advocate.
The pain you have endured, as a loving parent, could cause you to want to get very far away from any discussion on these topics.
Yet, you courageously address the very painful topics. You choose to face, and to actually deal with, reality... despite the depths of your own pain. This is a conscious choice you make. I admire your dedication, courage, strength and the depth of your love for all people.
Thanks for reminding us to also "take a break!" :)
We all need to experience times of relaxation and deep inner peace. We need to incorporate these times into our lives in order to recharge our batteries, especially when/if we tend to advocate and tend to "give" a fair amount of the time!
We need to strike a balance between giving and receiving!
We will not last as individuals, nor as advocates, if we do not practice adequate "balance" in our lives.
This "balance" is something we must often learn later in life, as so many of us were not taught the importance of "balance" during our formative years.
And...JOY! Let us not forget the importance of experiencing joy in our lives!
Taking time in our lives for "balance" does not take away from our goals in life, it actually strengthens and "renews" us as we navigate our way through life and as we attend to our various "callings" during this lifetime.
Wishing All Inner Peace,
Hopeful Heart
Thank you hopeful heart,
you know it took me a very long time to feel joy again. it became a word, a rare emotion. it's only been the last several months, i became determined, and encouraged to take myself into consideration for a life--one with happiness, joy and fun...it's been hard finding myself again. i'd placed my spirit on a shelf somewhere, and it was hell finding out where i put it.
I love that poem. It's wonderful.
Hi Stephany!
We can often feel like our having a full life is "giving up on" or "betraying" others we care deeply about. (It can be similar to "survivor's guilt.")
Yet, in allowing ourselves full lives, we are truly doing the best we can for another (and for all others).
We must find a way to fully live in order to be at our very best for ourselves and for others.
It does not surprise me that you had felt an urgent need to take a backseat to all that was going on! You had much to do and had to accomplish your goals, to help L., within a given time frame. You did not get to choose the timeline then. You actually had to "race against time" in order to try to save her.
Nor does it surprise me that it has taken some time to find yourself and to also locate emotions/feelings you had not felt frequently (and maybe not at all) for a very long time!
I am very glad you are finding yourself and are exercising your capacity for a full range of experiences and associated emotions!
This does often take a conscious determination and practice!
You are setting a very healthy example for L. by showing her the importance of nurturing one's whole self. She seems to like to reflect (and to imitate) some of your behaviors. She is watching, and listening, very closely. ;)
I see the picture of you and L. together and I feel so much heartfelt love and compassion for you both! (I actually feel warmth and joy!) I continue to remain hopeful for you both...as well as for Koda and the entire family!;)
(((((Stephany, L., Koda and whole family)))))
With Heartfelt Love,
Hopeful Heart
hi marissa, i hope you are doing fine.
hopeful heart,
wow, you are encouraging me so much i thank you for all of your comments. and for understanding the race against time i had--not many people understand that or the gravity of the situation (like preventing her from institutionalization)the momentum i had to keep going was unbelievable and i honestly can't believe how i got to this point, except for the grief that hit this summer--it was the unresolved and embraced grief from all of that.
i've walked into mental health court with posters and photos and things so that ppl would get emotionally invested in her outcome and it worked back then. there must be dozens of color copies of her riding a horse all over town, and some staff at 2 hospitals told me (after i went back to tell them she was doing well)they have her photo up in staff rooms.
she has touched many people's hearts and so many people even now from my blog, wish good things and a good life for her--it's amazing.
she is a special person and deserves everything good.
i saw her today, and she went on a long drive in the country.
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