monday morning ramble

"Far away in the sunshine are my highest aspirations. I may not reach them, but I can look up and see their beauty, believe in them, and try to follow where they lead." -Louisa May Alcott

i woke up today unaware i was pursuing my hopes and dreams. i saw the snow outside and today i am going to work. i am organized, have my clothes ready and the coffee pot brewing. i let the dog outside and went out in the early morning darkness with the dog, and coffee cup. i gaze upward as i take in a deep breath. the sky is clear. the ground is covered in a few inches of snow. i look up toward the same stars i've looked at for years, many nights my daughter was in hospitals, the sky was my solace, my reprieve from the day and the place that captured my dreams and hopes, fears and worry. i stood there this morning, preparing my mind for my day. go to work, pick up the dog's epilepsy meds, go on the walk. a long day before me, i took in a deep breath, and realized that i am doing it. i can do it. years ago, when my daughter was first misdiagnosed and loaded up on so many drugs, i didn't know what was happening, a world thrust upon me that would end up bearing much grief for years. one social worker heard me sigh to myself in a hospital waiting room--"i can't do this". "you already are", she said to me. I didn't think i could handle it all, and that was a decade ago. i've advocated, learned the system holds no dignity, learned that patients lose rights in hospitals, though the patient rights paper is always plastered to the walls. i've witnessed the women crying being injected against their will to silence their voices.

i am my daughter's voice, i am my voice, i am yours. there are things in this world that are not comfortable to witness or experience, and life has a way of bringing things full circle. i have a changed life. it's better now, it's good. i am forging my new path, i'm mindful of my daughter's life and never will leave her side. i have my hopes and dreams, i never lost them. i thought for years i did.

but today, looking up at the dark night sky filled with stars in the early morning hours with snow at my feet, i realized being alive and being here, is the dream isn't it? i'm doing it. i can do it.

i woke up and worried i didn't have nice clothes to wear to work. i thought about my daughter and how her day would be. my daughter is ok and my clothes don't matter. i've reached the point in a decade where a worry was what clothes to wear to work. the simple things in life. thinking about my walk after work. how delightful, and a good focus for someone like me, who battles those damn negative tapes in my head.

i wish for you all today, a simple day. worry-free, and one where you realize that you are living your dream. i don't know if this ramble makes sense, but i guess i'm trying to say, when you think life is hard, place one foot in front of the other, and make sure to notice the beauty around you. don't dwell on the bad stuff that happened. it's what i'm doing. be kind to yourself. you can do it.

~

"Far away in the sunshine are my highest aspirations. I may not reach them, but I can look up and see their beauty, believe in them, and try to follow where they lead."

-Louisa May Alcott

*that photo that looks like the sun to me--is the tile floor that was at my feet the day i sat in mental health court and won a victory to have my daughter discharged against doctor's orders to send her to the state institution, where he said she needed to go (be locked up)"because she has no hope". she has been outside of his hospital since oct 07 proving him wrong. here's to never giving up. and here's to healing after a battle.