sunday ramble 2

i walked with her to a place that has barnyard animals to look at and we fed them bread. she seemed withdrawn today, though she handed me a note "laundry". she wore the new fleece (via staff telling me) yesterday, but today it's in a pillow case and she doesnt want anyone looking at it. i asked her if that was a laundry bag, and saw it was the green jacket and she promptly put it back in the pillow case and she has a look like she has when she thinks things are contaminated. i walked with her to the laundry room and she washed the regular fleece. i also took her to get an ice cream. standing there looking at the geese and goats and animals, i looked over at her and she just is blank today. i asked the kitchen staff if they had extra bread we could use to go feed the geese and ducks and while her clothes were drying we walked with a bag of hamburger buns. she didn't throw the bread. i don't know what to say except this is how it is and i have to keep remembering how she is saying a few words here and there. she said "locked" today in the parking lot because she didn't lock the car door (i did) she kept walking back to the car and i had to get my notepad out of my purse when it wasn't connecting when i said " i locked it from the inside". once i wrote it down she went inside the building. and i was reminded how she let us buy her new clothes which she wasn't doing before. sometimes it's hard to take it day by day, and then it also felt strange there we are still looking at barnyard animals for diversion. there is the part of this that i have to always have in my head is that this can get better or gain a push forward and it can also just be the way it is now. that's called accepting her for who she is when she is and not wanting more than that. i wouldn't be honest if i didnt say sometimes i miss her and sometimes i also worry i forget her. that person isnt the same anymore, and thats really what i have to deal with in my heart and let it all go. interesting things about memories they come up when you least expect them to. like how she wouldnt leave a barnyard field trip when she was 8 because she wanted to bring the lamb home and had a royal fit for not being able to bring that lamb home because she said she bonded with it.

"locked"
~
makes you wonder about the word locked, and the mind sometimes.