thursday ramble

the note she handed me said, ' i need to buy a new pillow'. after she signed the paperwork for her weekly allowance we went to the store. imagine this when we are together, i talk to her as if she is anyone else and though she doesnt answer we communicate. she writes more notes now and i write lists of what we are doing, like a schedule. i wasn't getting a reaction to what pillow case she wanted to buy, though she had nodded she wanted a new one, so i chose 4 or 5 fabric patterns and she picked one out like that. we got back to her room and i helped her get the new pillow set up. "want me to take this old one home?" she nodded yes and then got some socks from the side of the bed on the floor and stuck them in the plastic bag with the old pillow. so she has a new pillow and pillow case. no talking today.
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the rain hasn't stopped here in a few days. i just got home from a long walk where i pushed myself more than other days. i was drenched when getting home. at one point with my friend asking how far to walk these words came out of my mouth:"until something hurts". who would have imagined me saying those words a few months ago. after the last 3 months i realized yesterday my knees do not hurt anymore. i have new muscle pain that shows up, but not that awful burning knife in the knee pain.
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"don't they rehab there? or have a therapist working with her?, said the receptionist at my PCP doctor's office. before i came home from taking my daughter out i stopped there to discuss a bill and i weighed myself. "no, i go and give her goals and things like that", i said to her. she has known me and my daughter forever. i told her about the pillow today. i told her how the pillow in my car was the one i had packed in my car in october 2007 with some clothes in a laundry basket as my concrete symbol of hope that i would beat the doctor's discharge plan and get my daughter into residential instead of that state institution. i drove w that basket for a month in the back of my car and when i walked out of that hospital with my daughter and drove her to the residential place it was that pillow and basket i walked in with her at my side. i motioned to the window of the doctor's office today and said, "that pillow in the car, is the same one...." and i looked at her and she said this at the same time i did:

"it's been a long haul".
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then i went and got on the scale and i have dropped 5 more pounds of baggage. all of the angst and grief, is leaving me in a concrete way. i walked out of there with my head held high. i got in the car and there was the pillow. i looked down at it and could see my writing on the inside of the pillow case, my daughter's initials written with a sharpie. how many times i've labeled clothes and things.

today the pillow came home.
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i'm going to hike to the top of a local mountain this summer.

there, the victory will be glorious.
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i saw her eyes well up with tears."don't make me cry", i said to the receptionist. that's when she said 'it's been a long haul."
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the walk tonight was a few miles, some in wooded, muddy trails, along roadside and as i thought about all of this, i walked, and i walked harder and faster with each step, i imagined myself walking up that mountain. i'm going to do it. i'm in transformation.