unforgettable memories

"Effervescent, loving, compassionate, irreplaceable and unforgettable."

are the words i wrote that were read out loud on the boat when the family scattered the ashes of my best friend of 43 years. we grew up together and it was her family that saw me through dark times as a child. we laughed a lot. she adopted 3 kids when she found out she couldn't have children. i don't write some of my painful stuff here, it's better that way. but one thing i knew when she died in december 2006 was that i was going to live to be 50. she died a few days after turning 49 from as the toxicology report read, 'drug drug interaction' of 2 antidepressants. she always ended phone conversations with 'i love you honey'. we had a lot of good times together and she loved my youngest and wanted her well. there's so many things we can't control. a year later it was my dad that died. somehow making it to 50 feels like a victory. actually making it this far is a victory. when children's hospital had my daughter in their care she turned 18. once a legal adult, and me without any guardianship, they took her away from me. sounds strange doesn't it, talking like that. they sent her to the state institution instead of home because they said i wasn't able to care for someone like her without staff in my house and they gave me a timeline to find support and staff. people don't live that way, they gave me an impossible task. i found one friend who signed a letter saying she would be 10 minutes away for help and respite. i called media. i walked into a private hospital CEO's office and begged him to take her there rather than the institution. children's had my daughter on a court order and i lost. i lost her then and she's never been the same since. that's when she stopped talking. the psychiatrist used the court order against me along with his 'i'm the doctor' speech he gave in front of 24 people in the board room as he grandstanded "she tried to murder you".

i asked him what paperwork he had in his file that remotely held that information, when i said "since when does kicking someone in the knee mean murder"? he sat there so full of arrogance it makes me sick. if i were to become furious and allow the anger to surface over the pain that doctor caused, i would blame him for the worst thing that happened to my daughter. the last thing the doctor said the night before they were to send her to the institution via 5 point strap down gurney in an ambulance, was "i don't know why i couldn't help your daughter", that after 6 weeks in his care, and 3 of those weeks ramped up on 800mg per day of Seroquel.