children in a garden

children in a garden,

painting by mary cassatt

~

my optimism remains the same regarding my daughter. weds and thursday, she didn't follow up with speech from the zoo day, she was quiet, no words and some what distracted. she enjoyed a country drive and the "works". lunch and ice cream.

accepting the situation from face value is difficult but i do it. but there are times, when i don't like it. sounds simple. but it is complex. to know her and hear her voice laughing and knowing her hopes and dreams of high school and her life "i want a ranch with horses and dogs" and knowing and living her angst on the ill-fated psych meds, i cry sometimes.

i worked in an elementary special needs pre-school classroom today. the mothers have the children as they are now, and they are very little...3 yrs old. one was in a special wheelchair with a feeding tube, and looked angelic with a smile that never ended. some were quite vocal and high spirited, and others didn't speak and at their age are learning to express their irritability without words available. (they cry and have tantrums). the bus comes, and the kids wear their tiny backpacks and walk to the bus, all lined up with a buddy system and the adults keeping watch.

they were my daughter, hesitantly i write this--some were more high functioning. to have a child born disabled, and have one become disabled between age 17 -21 is devastating. i never was devastated. i never gave up hope and still haven't, but i cried. life is unexplainable sometimes, and i need to write this down.

~

accept the unacceptable,

don't try to explain the unexplainable,

live from this moment forward

embrace your grief and let it go

hug your child,

and smile.