this lily (above) is about to burst into bloom (2009)
writing from 2008"we have to learn the art of transforming compost into flowers.Look at a flower :it is beautiful, it is fragrant, it is pure; but if you look deeply you can already see the compost in the flower."
..."the same is true of our mental formations, which include flowers like faith, hope, understanding, and love; but there is also waste material like fear and pain. The flower is on its way to becoming refuse, but the refuse is also on its way to becoming a flower.this is the non duality principle of Buddhism: there is nothing to throw away. If a person has never suffered, he or she will never be able to know happiness....Thus pain and suffering are a necessary condition of our understanding, of our happiness.So do not say that you do not want to know anything about pain or about suffering, that you only want to know about happiness--that would be an impossible thing......So we must know how to learn from suffering, we must know how to gather the energy of compassion, of love, of understanding."
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excerpt from the book: true love, by Thich Nhat Hanh: A practice for awakening of the heart;pp68-70
--
mindfulness has been a big part of my coping process the last several years and when the hardest most recent(2008) (7)months happened where the issues were life changing events that were directly about me, and not my daughter--is when i stopped being mindful, i became self-destructive, closed off from the world, hold up in my house in full and complete pain and suffering that became in essence my only friend. almost unwilling to let that feeling of pain go, i discovered over the last several months that indeed i was full of fear of happiness, fear ran my soul. shedding some of the pain and fear exposed a part of me that i haven't seen in years and no one else has either. me. what a frightening thought, easy to panic once the walls started coming down brick by brick, i soon found out my worst enemy was myself. a battle of will within my soul, wanting the freedom to feel again and feeling the pain, all conflicting to the result of one brick down 2 back up, 2 bricks down, 1 back up. soon i hope to have the bricks only under my feet as i walk the path of happiness ive laid the foundation under my feet with--bricks of pain and suffering acknowledged. the 2 paths then are the same. understanding that has been the hardest lesson of all.
Posted by Stephany at 7/18/2008 09:46:00 AM
..."the same is true of our mental formations, which include flowers like faith, hope, understanding, and love; but there is also waste material like fear and pain. The flower is on its way to becoming refuse, but the refuse is also on its way to becoming a flower.this is the non duality principle of Buddhism: there is nothing to throw away. If a person has never suffered, he or she will never be able to know happiness....Thus pain and suffering are a necessary condition of our understanding, of our happiness.So do not say that you do not want to know anything about pain or about suffering, that you only want to know about happiness--that would be an impossible thing......So we must know how to learn from suffering, we must know how to gather the energy of compassion, of love, of understanding."
-----
excerpt from the book: true love, by Thich Nhat Hanh: A practice for awakening of the heart;pp68-70
--
mindfulness has been a big part of my coping process the last several years and when the hardest most recent(2008) (7)months happened where the issues were life changing events that were directly about me, and not my daughter--is when i stopped being mindful, i became self-destructive, closed off from the world, hold up in my house in full and complete pain and suffering that became in essence my only friend. almost unwilling to let that feeling of pain go, i discovered over the last several months that indeed i was full of fear of happiness, fear ran my soul. shedding some of the pain and fear exposed a part of me that i haven't seen in years and no one else has either. me. what a frightening thought, easy to panic once the walls started coming down brick by brick, i soon found out my worst enemy was myself. a battle of will within my soul, wanting the freedom to feel again and feeling the pain, all conflicting to the result of one brick down 2 back up, 2 bricks down, 1 back up. soon i hope to have the bricks only under my feet as i walk the path of happiness ive laid the foundation under my feet with--bricks of pain and suffering acknowledged. the 2 paths then are the same. understanding that has been the hardest lesson of all.
Posted by Stephany at 7/18/2008 09:46:00 AM
~
2009
as you can see, my garden is a constant for my solace. i read my past writings and see the personal struggle of balance. the inner-struggle for self-acceptance, the desire for life to be "OK". since last summer life changed, for the better. i am aware of the need for me to evolve what the hell is a desire to cut loose and live to the fullest and holding back like a stiff dead flower.
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