My personal journal notes:
"I think it's gonna rain"
Fri Aug 5, 2005 3:31 pm
"she is in her 100th+ hour since stopping Zyprexa. She was fine the first 48 hours, said she never felt better.
It has slowly increased to more intrusive thoughts, distorted thinking.
I have paper after paper about her side effects being from Zyprexa itself, it is in the fine print on the companies own paperwork, that 1/100 people can have a schizophrenic reaction.
Dr.[X] thinks she needs to enroll and be evaluated in a study for schizophrenia for kids up to age 19.
Dr. [Y] says she isPDD/autistic, both of which all mimic each other symptomatically, so therefore, we are at a crossroads of whose opinion to believe...the doctor that says to watch my back, that is freaked out from her thoughts, or the doctor who says she is autistic and stuck on thoughts like a ripple on a pond?
Add in my theory of poor metabolizer of medications, and belief she could have been and still is a product of the medications, some literature I have read suggest that she could be in a state right now of "withdrawal psychosis" and that removing or decreasing the neuroleptic too fast can result in this anguish, and that it is better to leave her on her low dose, for how long is the question, what then, when that is stopped?"
~~
6 days later she was in a psych ward, and no psych would hear my idea of allowing her a safe place to complete medication removal[med wash].
She didn't come home until over one year later. I lost her to a mainstream psychiatric belief system and to a ridiculous adult legal mental health system.
it is this summer that it has been a decade since this all began. i still have no answers, yet i have a different daughter that i am getting to know and understand. she's been missing while she is here. missing are the usual actions and words. but she is not missing, she is alongside me eating ice cream and looking at the river and horses on drives, she has the same face, her hair auburn in the reflection of the summer sun. i hear her voice that is only known to my memory, those around her now know not what i hear in my mind. but they know her. they love her.
i do too. she hasn't truly left. has she?
(yes. she will be back. no. embrace her and accept her all at once.)
--
ah, but the struggle within
give me peace from your grip
your dark shroud suffocates me
i look up at the light
and the clouds keep your rain.
--
summer 05 zyprexa withdrawal psychosis in a bakery she said, "this is bad this time mom fight for me." those were last words.
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1 comments:
She's had a great last 2 weeks, making more progress.
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