thursday ramble, out in the universe, i go by the grace of God

i've been enjoying walking more now that the hot temperatures have dropped. we've enjoyed some much needed rainfall and the woods are once again fragrant. it's the kind of air that allows a long deep breath, leaving invigoration and balance left as a result. the air has a scent of the wild blackberries in the air, sweet and fresh. last night's dark star-filled sky was a beautiful, and wondrous site to behold, the dark universe appeared through patches of white floating clouds, as a sea, a deep dark sea filled with tiny sparkling stars, surrounded in view with the silhouettes of tall fir trees. a scene to remember when you close your eyes.

there have been wild rabbits running about in the brambles and the dog has worn himself out chasing them, mostly just finding their scent and they end up being elusive, he the fool of the chase never stopped looking for them until he fell asleep, a tired and happy content dog.

the cat gets her pets and loves, she being 10 years old is the queen, the one who reigns the animal kingdom in her own way, she seems content in her old age, she wears her tabby stripes well.

my eyes take in the scenes of nature and the stars and universe remove me from my mind, always a reminder that life is more than what is on this earth. i struggle with anxiety and these things always help me divert my mind to better places.

now, that i have received the gift of sorting out my mind, the last decade of angst from mental illness, hospitals and grief is in a place that i won't allow to run me any longer. a decade is long enough. so i walk away from the decade and move forward, and the positive, good life ahead is waiting, the night sky above me as a reminder, an ever-present reminder--that life goes on.

what have i learned? so many things about myself. over the last decade from the day in august in 1999 that my daughter had thoughts of suicide to this week taking her out to eat and watching her smile, outside of a psych ward, life has come back to being life again. what a turmoil it was for so long. yes, there were atrocities, mistakes made that affected her life with psych medications, but she is here and so am i. many years went by, and as i looked in my garage yesterday it stood as a time capsule, a life that seemingly stopped, things placed where they were last set down, when life opened up at the precipice of hell, when my daughter entered the adult psych system.

i learned that i am resilient, that i can do anything, and that i am resistant to change, which is contradictory that a person can carry those two things at once. the goal is to remain resilient, to keep that in focus, and to let worry go.

worry, and grief

became part of my life that became like a worn out pair of shoes, always there, and far too comfortable. it is easy to allow yourself to let yourself live in that darkness and coming out of the darkness is scary.

people don't realize they get stuck in the muck out of fear of what they want. wanting to be free of angst, pain and suffering is not hard. that's expected. what isn't expected is the fear behind actually taking hold of life and letting yourself out of that imprisonment in the mind.

to recover, and to recover fully takes self-determination and hard work. recovery for my daughter now is imperative, i believe she needs to see me live my life. to show her that it is OK to come back from the bad things, from the pain and confusion, from what isn't happening now.

almost as if it was a hurricane and the winds have stopped, it is OK for us to walk out from the storm and truly live.

this is what i am doing, one day at a time, one life lesson at a time, and one soul-searching at a time. each day i learn about myself things that have nothing to do with the last decade, but see how the last ten years have shaped my mind. somewhere along the way, i lost myself.

that's a good thing. because, who i am now is what matters. life goes on, the sun rises and sets, the stars illuminate the night sky for me and for you, and if you let it go by, you will miss it all. live your life, damn it. live it.

after 10 years

i lived by the 'sink or swim' attitude. i never would have made it through fighting for my daughter and my own existence if i had anything less than pure raw hope and determination. after the worst was over, i crashed, fell apart. maybe not noticeably to the world, but internally i died. numb and lifeless life passed in months and years at a time. i never noticed. until i came back. it was as if i was gone for a decade, and came back to the world. things had changed, people moved on, friend left, i left them. i slowly came around. what i didn't expect was, picking up the pieces was going to be one shard at a time, and the pain was a part of healing the bloody wounds.

approaching age 50 becomes a symbol of renewal, a second chance at a life and a better one at that. life wasn't so great before the decade either. i wasn't looking inward, i wasn't even a person. somewhere between my thoughts and dreams i existed, in a strange oasis. some people call that life. raising kids, working in the school. i wasn't really there, looking back on who i lost, (me) i don't think i lost much but the ability to see me for what i am now is crystallizing. maybe everyone goes through this without constant crisis of loved ones being sick or suddenly dying. to become refined as gold my mom would tell me, was a gift and i didn't want it. i threw it in God's face. don't refine me anymore i dared to think.

without the sorrow, joy would have no definition.

the quest of joy

every day, i plan on seeking joy, finding its definition and truly living it.

i close my eyes and see the star-filled night sky.

life is a gift.

every part of life is a gift.

the last ten years were a gift.
~
peace