thursday ramble, out in the universe, i go by the grace of God, part 2

and then one day the silence was broken with tears, a significant visual portrayal of emotion. we sat in the car looking at the river. "do you want to get out and walk by the river?", i asked my daughter.

she had appeared to be content earlier as she ate lunch and we went into the store to buy her a snack. it's allowance day today and she knew i'd be there. yesterday was a great day too. she came home after a blood test and ate homemade spaghetti.

she looked at me. i rambled and chatted as we sat in the car, by the river, she ate potato chips. "i think it would be great if you wanted to talk, and it's OK to say anything. if you're mad, sad or what you want to do, the world is at your fingertips.", i said.

she nodded 'no' to going on a walk by the river. it was hot outside. i rambled that i needed to go put gas in the car, and as i was driving along, she always listens to music on the radio--i heard something. i looked over at her, and she had tears streaming down her face. she was stifling back the sound. she finally gasped and let out a sob. i continued to the gas station and pulled up to the pump.

"we all love you and are never going to leave, that you can count on", "I think you are a great person" i wrote on a note and handed it to her. she looked down and read it, with the tears streaming. she folded it up and held it in her hands. "want to clean the windows of the car?" i asked. i put the gas in the car and washed the windows.

i feel it's important to tell her what i felt, that it is OK to cry, that it can be part of healing and a good part of it, and to write down her thoughts, paint or play the piano, whatever it takes to help her get out her thoughts, feelings. she is in charge and i made sure to tell her that.

a woman staff where she lives saw her face and talked to her and told her (and me) that she was willing and has offered to take her anywhere. the library, a animal shelter and has found a therapist who has a therapy dog who will work with my daughter if she wants that. "it's all about choices", i said to my daughter. one male staff heard this conversation and said,"she should ask for a PRN". "no, she should feel her feelings and talk if she wants to", i said and he walked away.

"you're the youngest one here and i think you're a beacon of hope", i said to my daughter and her young woman case manager said "me too."

i placed my arm around my daughter's shoulder and encouraged her to keep taking care of herself and that i would see her this weekend and she gave me a big smile. i waved goodbye and i turned my head as i walked out the door and saw her walking to her room. her smile, gone and flooded in tears.

i drove home.

as i was driving, i had a provocative thought. the 'what if'--she talks, does things, all of those things we all hope and dream for her, to be happy, go places, do things.

those are our desires, aren't they?