darkness of night

when a mother has a child in the care of others, and they fail to care for your child the dark shroud of agonizing pain hovers over your soul, like a heavy cloak.

fighting to keep it from consuming your soul, you focus on your child and remind yourself you are doing the best you can in a system that doesn't always show compassion. i sat in mental health court this week and stared at the carpet at my feet for no where else to look, when other parents were crying, some were talking mindless chat. i sat there wanting change. i wondered why those parents sounded so weak, i thought, the system has patted them on the back, handed out false comfort in how it is ran and they have grown complacent. accepting life for what it was at the moment. i don't. i accept my daughter but not the defunct system that she is entrenched in, the mental health system. the answer is not medications, for God's sake if it was that easy why are we all crowded in this room while adult children are strapped to gurneys behind the door? i kept my mouth shut. "i am standing on the precipice looking straight down into hell" is what i was thinking. this scene happens every single day of the week, not just wednesday when i was there. i couldn't stand being in that place one more minute, and finally my daughter arrived. the attorney took me back to her side room, where she was strapped at the wrists. "i have 2 left shoes on", she said to me. i took her slip on shoes off and put them on the correct feet. they weren't 2 left feet, just flip flopped i told her. i remember the first time i was shocked she was strapped to a gurney.
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last saturday, at 9pm i had just put pajamas on for bed

when she was missing for nearly 7 hours last saturday night, i feared the worst. as i drove and in contact with police on my cell phone i had to shove down those fears. the thoughts flashed through my mind, an intrusion to my faith and hope, were fear of her being found dead or never being found at all. i waited outside police station to make an official report to enter her into a larger data base by midnight. it was cold, low 40 degree temperature. the feeling is hollow, the fear hovering and the love for my daughter sustaining. instead of the police officer meeting me there to write the report, an officer came running out of the locked police station and told me, "this very minute she has just been found". Oh my God! i ran to my car, and the officer who had her talked me through where i was how to get to them. "do you see the flashing lights yet?", he said to me over my cell phone. as i was approaching a corner, i saw the lights on the police car. "yes!" then i saw her. she was standing with a second officer, and the house they found her in front of had a car parked out front on the street. the car was identical to my own. oh dear God, i think she found a car like mine, and maybe she thought it was me. here is where i break down in my mind, i crumble into shattered pieces. i do not understand why the care facility refused to call the police and why they chose to announce they wouldn't be for 24 hours. my daughter was found in a vulnerable condition. thank God she is alive, just focus on that. 12 more hours in the ER followed. an ambulance arrived for her transport back to the psych hospital. the nurses in the ER brought out a plush stuff dog and the ambulance crew strapped it under one of the belts to her chest. i walked behind them as they wheeled her out of the ER to the ambulance. when a person is involuntarily committed, this is mandatory transport protocol. i told her i loved her and when they lifted the gurney up into the ambulance and closed the door, i stood there. now, mid afternoon, the sun had risen, the new day was already in progress.

my heart cried, "home".

additional thoughts

*two mental health professionals that are brought in to ER's to assess patients (like my daughter) in a crisis are the ones that committed her. i thought readers should know or would like to know i was there for her in mental health court being appointed guardian, not to testify against my daughter to detain her in a locked facility. i also gave a statement (several) regarding her care facility and the neglect they portrayed by refusing to call police when she was missing. her care facility is ran by a major mental health agency, and their own MHP reported them as she also deemed my daughter detained for more care in the hospital. as a parent, having the judge appoint me guardian due to her not communicating.