the morning calls, and by the Grace of God i go

so much to say, so many thoughts



"at the bottom of patience, one finds heaven" is printed on one of those car rear view mirror things in my car, and it's been there since 1999. since the first diagnosis.it swings and sways as i drive to hospitals, to find my daughter, to the grocery store. i read it as i sit in traffic and wonder if it's true.





"is she ok? did she make it through the night?", i asked. they said she did. meaning she didn't walk away or run away from the house facility during the night. the second night she was there, on wednesday, they called me at 930pm and told me if she did that they would have to call the police to retrieve her. i slept very edgy that night. i called the next morning and she was still there. last night i went to bed hoping to God she would stay inside all night. when she is psychotic and energized psychotic, she does not stay inside or sit down.


yesterday, as i drove looking for her, i watched her weave in and out of nasty housing areas, and i was worried for her safety.


risky behavior is not hospital material, isn't that what everyone harps about? safety? so she's loose and psychotic ON meds.


yes. she's the same as before they put her in the hospital off meds.


2 months inpatient and out on meds there she goes again. because the psychosis is still there.


wafting in and out of lucid moments. she got in the car when she saw me pull over to the curb in the neighborhood. here i go monitoring her from a distance, i have barely been home since she was discharged. she has ran away from here too in the past. that's just her when this happens. i hold no solution, and psychiatry's drug modality isn't working. so there you have it. a real life happening of the psych system treatment of someone suffering from internal stimuli causing them to believe things and act out in unsafe ways. the drugs don't work. and don't call it treatment resistant, that's an out of date phrase built into the drug company rep materials.

Wouldn't it be nice if the drugs did work? and do what they claim? but, alas if they did i woudn't be writing what i am right now.

she is vulnerable, and it reminded me of a call 3 years ago someone in the mental health field, said "it's home or the hospital lady". nothing else we can do until the person comes close to a near death experience or becomes severely "gravely disabled".


she's taking her meds is all they want to hear or if she ran in front of a car, then they could possibly take action to send her back to the hospital.


i just want her to be safe, and it comes down to this. and of course no one wants her back in the hospital. i don't. so it goes, and it goes.

the ultimate marathon of patience and hope, sleepless nights, attempt at balancing it all and understanding that i cannot control any part of it. for it is my daughter's journey. i fell apart in a crying mess yesterday morning.

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she got in the car and turned the radio up full blast, and as i reached for the knob to turn it down she screamed, "you know i need a radio when i'm like this and i don't have one!"


"go inside and stay there and i will get you a headset and if i get you one, use it inside and stay there and be safe and don't go out after dark", i said and she said "yes". a staff of the residence got her a radio immediately when i told the person she said that.

in her history she uses music, radios and headsets to shove down the noise in her mind.

i walked her to the kitchen and asked for a snack for her.
she paced and ate cookies, drank milk and several apples. i sat with her about 30 minutes with the radio next to me on the table top. after she seemed calmer and ate i said, "let's go put the radio in your room and i'm going to get the headset".

i plugged in the radio and told her i would be right back. she nodded and looked relieved. her hair was dirty, there was dirt on her face and she had been incontinent. but she was back inside and that's how it goes from there. start there. safety.


i stood outside of the pharmacy after buying the headset and placed the headphones on my head. i dialed the radio to a station i know she likes when she is having a big psychosis attack, that's what this is, it's an episode, i've been through them with her before. they do pass. time needs to pass i remind myself. i have the volume adjusted and i take the headset off and walk to my car quickly.







labeled with her name from the marker in my purse, i hand her the headset, and she placed it on her head and gave me a thumbs up. i handed her a note i had written in the car. "stay inside, don't go out after dark, eat dinner at 5pm". she read the note. she looked at me and again gave me a thumbs up.







2 hours had passed since i arrived and she was crawling on the ground trying to break things off of my parked car. the mirror, and then picking things from the tire. i moved away from the car to see what she would do. she eventually got up and went inside, only to walk away again. that's when i tracked her. walking along on the side walk, far enough away where i didnt know the side streets. i won't think about if i wasn't there to track her and bring her back.

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update

this afternoon she indeed had not gone outside and people are remarking how they like her verbal side and she is connecting with a few peers. one day at time, so far still talking, animated and all of it. the staff is liking what they see they told me. better than her being shut down, and they told me not to worry.

so, i guess i will say TGIF now.
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5minutes later

nurse called and said she threw away her meds in the AM. no one told me while i was there, and nurse is now asking me to call my daughter to take her meds.