gripping the steering wheel this morning, i felt really upset. no other word for it, as i drove to the hospital. i have designated specific days like the doctor wanted me to (try a plan, in the large picture of life, i've been there and done this)do. remember, i've been told to "just be a mother", not direct her in any way (like today, when she got into things i didn't tell her to stop, or knock it off, you know how mothers can sound. instead i stood there and let the staff pick up her mess.:/?)back to my writing. i had few tears shoot down my face while driving in the dark tunnel on the freeway, like my emotions knew i could hide in there. yesterday my hair dryer burned up, there is nothing worse than a burning motor spewing hot air next to your head. the fire in my soul today is full of anger and resentment, a full-blown letter to God moment:
"Dear God,
I am grateful for everything in my life ever have been given to me. The view from my windows, my children, people that I love. I need a break. I need a full blown miracle, like one of magnificent enormous and good. never mind.
--
well anyway, she wouldn't respond and really hasn't much since a few days before her discharge. she's totally not responding. i guess the staff can clean up the mess, that is doctor's orders. i wasn't going to pick up her mess, hell what parent allows a 20something to throw food and not pick it up? yeah, i will "just be a mother". how about "pick up that mess or you don't go outside". because that is what happens to her. they just don't say it. she throws crap down, they pick it up and chart bad behavior then lower her "level".
--
so, the drugs don't work. i think i will rip my hair out, at least it didn't catch on fire from the hair dryer.
I found this video at suddenly a widow blog. i really can't complain after i read her blog.
Sunday, November 08, 2009
fire inside
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6 comments:
I suggest that you tell Linds what's being done. Tell her what you've been told to do and what not to do. Tell her that when she does stuff, the staff are writing it all down secrectly, in a secret file, which they will secretly secrete in a secret place and secretly make judgments about the contents, thereof. Tell her that they're going to make decisions, based upon their judgments of the secretly secreted secret file, which probably have no bearing in fact or any genuine reality. Tell her that unless she fits very precisely in the box that they've prepared for her, the shape of which they will never disclose, then they will continue to prod and poke her, like some kind of circus freak. Tell her that they're going to continue to prod and poke her, anyway, because they haven't the talent to think of anything better to do.
Tell her this in front of the staff, so that they understand how I see them. And then ask the staff how on earth they expect to achieve any kind of wellness, even as they perceive it, unless they tell Linds what they expect of her.
Matt
"Tell her that unless she fits very precisely in the box that they've prepared for her, the shape of which they will never disclose, then they will continue to prod and poke her, like some kind of circus freak."
No, she deserves more respect than that.
(meaning those words, "circus freak") would be hurtful for her to hear.
I don't communicate that way, it loses credibility in these situations, Matt.
Stephany, you can choose whatever language you like, but the message is the same. In any event, that she is perceived sufficiently "less" to be treated as she is is evident - the staff at that facility would not comprehend being treated as they are treating Lindsay. If they were treated like that, then they would become as she appears, and very quickly, I suspect.
And while she continues to be perceived as less, she will not progress in their eyes, because she is being given no guidance as to what is expected of her, even within the facility's definition of "progression". She is being expected to guess what they require of her, when their attempts at communication are woeful (communication, remember, is a two-way transaction, and the "blame" for a failure to communicate cannot rest with Lindsay, alone). No, they're worse than woeful - they appear to be quite deliberately refusing to communicate, which as I've pointed out before is the most violent passive-aggressive thing that one can do. They've taught themselves to not communicate, in short, and what they're doing in the positions that they're in is anybody's guess - they should not be given that kind of authority over anybody or anything, as far as I'm concerned. The idea that these people are able to make judgments about those in their care that impacts severely on the latter's lives I find utterly incredible.
You know for yourself how long people are able to sustain a discussion with me. Not very long. And this is so for a variety of reasons, I perceive. Meanwhile, I can pick up on anything that a person says and run with it, however aggressive or evasive it might be, or indeed, however determined they might be to close a discussion. What does that tell me? It tells me that I've been lied to for a very long time.
I've told you before: I already know what I can do - I don't need others' validation outside their reactions. I also know what others cannot do, because I've watched them consistently not doing it.
Matt
In the system you have to watch your back and the person you care for due to retaliation.
(against the person)
Then one must take suitable pre-emptive action. The most powerful person in that facility is not a doctor, a shrink or even a head nurse, necessarily. (S)he is the person who has the greatest contact with the patients. This person may be the janitorial, or security. The greater the physical presence of the individual, the better, because they will have a greater sense of their own physical security. And because they know they cannot be attacked physically, they will have developed their communication skills, such that they never have to use their physical advantage. If there is a person who fits this description, then that is the person you need to speak to.
Incidentally, it is only a coward who takes out their sense of inadequacy on an innocent third party. We reveal ourselves when we have the most vulnerable people within our "power," with no possibility of repercussions (naturally, Lindsay would be ignored, if she complained), however egregious our behaviour. If we can only think to re-enact the Stanford Prison Experiment - if that is our idea of how authority should conduct itself towards "subordinates" - then we need to look very closely at our view of the world, not least because we accept the possibility that we may be treated like that, if an authority figure chooses to behave abominably towards us.
Matt
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