golden moments

she was very happy to see my friend and i, she smiled and gave me a big hug when i walked out of the elevator. i had the goodies in bags and told her i had good stuff she likes, and she looked like a happy kid at a party closing her eyes while sitting at the table to see what i would get out of the bag.

i opened up a festive napkin and made ourselves a centerpiece, with a quart of eggnog, a big plastic gold cup, her favorite home made (she always made it as a kid) mandarin orange/pineapple/marshmallow fruit fluff in containers and a cheese, cracker and little round sliced ham all in a little party tray.

we brought a deck of cards and i brought a turkey coloring sheet. she drank ALL of the eggnog, ate all of the food, M&Ms and a chocolate truffle. she was happily enjoying all of it and sat with us at a table for over 2 hours. the longest, calmest visit in a month.

i was so glad we were there, i was and am very thankful i could spend this day with her there.

so very glad.
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i told her my friend has helped me by reminding me--to remain at the "one day at a time" mode, when i told her to take it one day at a time, i wanted her to know, that i was doing it too.

yesterday, i honestly flipped out after receiving that voicemail from the doctor. i was awful, received the news terribly, went to the grocery store, cried in there, came home and went to another store, my mind whirling fast and furious with barbs of "it's all my fault" "i'm a terrible mother" kind of thoughts stabbing my heart.

as my friend told my daughter today about her thoughts (she keeps saying "I have bad thoughts") , he told her to just let them be background noise, and choose what ones to listen to. i'm going to take that advice too.
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she sorted and stacked playing cards, and folded a newspaper, read Job in the bible, stuck with us eating and sitting at the table, but it's not organized thoughts or games, in case anyone wonders, it's all pretty abstract behavior and words. she hears us though, for sure.

one thing concrete is her laughter---she laughs at the jokes made at my expense, she loves it if someone makes fun of me. i love her. i sat there enjoying the moment, and was so glad she was having a calm day, so she could relax. all the while we were there, of course the psych ward patients are there too, the tv was on football.
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faith, hope

the best thing that has happened since august when the hospitalization started, is that she is still talking and we are hearing her laughter. that is a good thing to remember when reading here...she was mute for 2 years. little miracles amidst the storm clouds.

another blessing in disguise

today is official mental health court date, where the attorney has been requesting a continuance of care (rather than the long term institution) week by week all of this time. today would have been court, but Thanksgiving delayed it until Monday. that just gave her the weekend where she is at. so, as i write this, i also can take a breath and place it elsewhere in my mind, because monday is an eternity away for now. (because if there is a bed open at the institution the judge could order her to go there immediately if the judge agrees w the hospital's plan). so this is a breather, a gift of time. that's what i hope to gain in court on monday. more time where she is at is better than one minute in that snake pit.