looking out windows

today, i looked through the tiny windows of my front door, the images of the trees and autumn leaves were separated by the wooden frame.


"it's finally happened", "i can't go there anymore", i said. i felt massive fatigue and anxiety as i leaned forward, slumped over my plate of bacon and eggs this morning.


------

my friend drove me to the hospital to see my daughter. when she saw my friend, i saw a smile from her glow from 50 feet down the tiled hallway. what a relief to see her smile.





it is with a very weary mind and body that i sit and write this. having the mental health system, the hospitals, the people in the system wear a person down so damn hard that it's impossible to imagine getting dressed to go see my daughter is unbearable.





she had the aggressive moment when i saw her on sunday. i admit to that taking me down for the count. it left me feeling in such a numb and dark pit, remembering--as a result--many years of very horrible days with my daughter. at the mercy of her mind, she was living a nightmare based on medication induced moods. she was often someone she vocally admitted to not liking, which is a horrible way to live. crying to me "is it me or the meds?". i was heartbroken then and i am now.





it would leave me feeling hopeless, helpless and physically worn out. it takes its toll.


--
in the hospital today

i saw a man who had ironically been on staff with my daughter at a previous hospital. what a nice, gentle spirit he had, i always like how he worked with the patients. today he stood taking a photo from the window. he is there on a short-term project.

while my friend and i sat with my daughter in a wonderful "stop time because it's good " moment, chatting and seeing her smile and yes she believes she has super-powers!, so i said i should make her a cape--i watched the man taking the photo with the camera up against the window photographing the view outside.


as i watched him adjust the camera, i sat there thinking, "he should really be taking that photo from a few feet away, to actually show how there are window panes".


because the locked down hospital does have obstructed views of scenery. not too many angles and glimpses of what's really happening outside. each view of the landscape does have a window frame around it. that is reality. the place is locked down and restricted.


---

my daughter was at the hospital where that person worked a very long time ago, at least 4 years have passed. familiar faces in times like these and especially, knowing my daughter was seeing someone kind from years ago was good. then he told me, that the place he works still has her photo i gave them on their wall.


--


"waive her presence in court tomorrow," was the voicemail i left for her mental health attorney this afternoon.

--


no gurney ride to court with wrist and leg straps.


----

"see you tomorrow", i said this morning, as i waved before entering the elevator.


AS, i drove toward the state institution nearly 4 years ago, this song (by The Pretenders) was on the radio. it was winter.the sky was full of storm clouds. i would leave home at 2pm to arrive at 4pm when visiting time started. every day for 21 days that sky opened up in a brilliant, radiant glow over the grounds of the state institution. a heavenly glow.
--
it was that hospital, where the person who took the photo today worked, and was attending the current hospital on special project (not affiliated with the old hospital)that sent her to the institution. there are so many layers, and memories that contain so much pain from the last several years, i wondered to myself this morning if she could ever find it in herself to kick some ass and come back to us.

--
it has been a really long haul.

i told her today, "you're my hero, as always".



she heard me say that every single day i drove her to school until she couldn't attend school due to the internal voices in her head. nothing was quieted with her radio headset.---that was always the last thing she heard me say when she got out of the car.

"you're my hero".

---

click on the label "in the psych ward" and follow (many posts still saved to draft until this latest crisis is over) the recent journey that, after 2 years without inpatient hospitalization began without warning, in august 2009. i miss the country drives and thursday hot dogs and stone skipping at the river.
--
this is the photo i copied for every person i ever met,when i reached out to shake a hand and talk about my daughter---this is what they received.