the raven and cooking

she has shown an improvement this week. calm and sitting with me at a table, probably the most time in the last month. i've been taking homemade special food to her. today the cheese tortellini with pesto sauce, a donut, a chocolate, fruit salad, all eaten up quickly. organized, not playing or mixing the foods. thankfully, i did bring a lot of food today because they have her on "finger foods" which is a nasty brown bag sandwich lunch they serve 5 days a week for lunch. same thing in it every time, for the last 3+ years in that place. i often meet the delivery man in the elevator as i did today. he always asks me how she is doing. everyone wants her to get well and get out. he's the one who told me he thinks i have courage, or he admires it or something one day a month ago.
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the cooking

for a long time, a very long time i was home alone and couldn't cook anymore, the cooking would give me anxiety and being by myself there wasn't much of a need for it. 5pm was always a hard time when she was first gone a few years ago. no one to hear running down the hall when i said, "dinner"! it's not that i ever wanted my daughters to stay home forever---it's just that my youngest left one day, and it seemed like she was supposed to come back home--this strange limbo left hanging. months and years passed and i started cooking again a year ago. it's pure love, the cooking, i cook food for people i love and i love the food. i love creating it, and tasting it. i love the magical faces that some dishes create once a person tastes it. i love the scent, the warmth of the oven and the company shared when enjoying it. now it has become a way to create and pass time, while i have much on my mind.
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stirring eggs or mixing batter, or tossing a salad or creating a quiche'

can be a time when i am sorting out court dates, what to say in court or how many miles it is to the institution, or a discussion in my mind of the injustice of it all. in essence, it's my way of thinking things out. during the summer, that's why i love mowing the grass or watering.
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i brought a deck of playing cards in my pocket

we sit and she sorts cards i just make piles of 3 or 4 stacks and we just sit and stack and re stack the cards. she talks about some of her nightmare-type thoughts, and i listen and smile at her a lot. passing time, i sit and think, thank God i am able to sit and pass time with her today.
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outside, it was windy and cloudy

a crow (that of course can appear like a raven) landed on the rooftop outside of the window that our table was next to, and my daughter exclaimed, "raven!" and placed her hand on the window. she was an avid reader and very well-read by age 17, she has a lot of information to draw upon. she loves dream catchers, native American myth and much more.
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i'll be there tomorrow with lunch.