she wants eggnog

calling on angels. she asked me for eggnog on tuesday. the hospital wants the state institution.

the lines across the sky photograph taken in march 2008. two months after my dad's private plane he piloted crashed in a nose dive.
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bed number 26
march 2006 children's hospital sent her to the state institution in a holy war of psychiatry vs. what's wrong with this world. at age 18, she was discharged to my care after 21 days in a violent ward, where they asked me upon her arrival, "can she say no to sexual assault?" "no, she's non verbal" i responded and promptly wrote letters to the Governor. she was discharged with a letter of apology for that.
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new year's eve 1987
she was the tiny baby born on a brilliant day. "what are we looking for"? several months earlier the tech asked me. "a heartbeat", my words sounded so matter of fact. there was a heartbeat. when she was born there wasn't. but they revived her.
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thanksgiving day 2009
i was in a mood all morning and made an attempt to change it, by taking a shower and getting dressed to go to the grocery store. i had a list.on tuesday she wanted eggnog.she loves it. in 2007 when i worked with an attorney and found a housing situation on my own, it was against medical advice. we won. she was discharged to an unlocked care facility, still in high need she proved them all wrong.
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thanksgiving 2007
she was still very fragile.she had lost a lot of weight in the psych ward (the same one she resides today)and just weeks after being saved from the state institution, she was OK. she was safe. i didn't bake a turkey that year. i wrote a post here called an 'empty canvas'--something like that. because, my life at that point was an empty canvas waiting to be filled with bright and brilliant colors, experiences, joy and happiness, sadness and love.
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december 2007
she drank a lot of eggnog. it placed a smile on her face like no other. she was free from hospitals. i had purchased a package of gold color plastic cups and when i took her on a drive, i stopped and bought eggnog and she drank it, with the biggest smile on her face.
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tuesday of this week

you are going to be here, in the hospital on Thanksgiving. do you want me to bring you something?, i asked her as we sat at the table. in her hands held a newspaper advertisement for grocery stores. flower bouquets, golden brown baked turkeys and other trimmings. that's when i knew she knew. it's Thanksgiving.
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"eggnog".


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wednesday, november 25, 2009

the inpatient doctor left me a voicemail on my cell phone telling me that they decided to send her to the state institution because she is not improving, though the doctor said on the message her "clozaril blood levels are low", though, ........"not stabilized"..."we are an acute"....*save to saved messages, press 9*
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press 9, then my number

i reminded her on tuesday, and told her i would be there for thanksgiving on thursday.
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today

i didn't handle the news well. wtf is that doctor thinking of any one's feelings the day before fucking thanksgiving and leaving that message on some one's phone? do you play God for a living? why? why the fucking ass hell would you entertain sending someone like my daughter to western state hospital (again)? have you no mercy? pain? attempt and understanding what happens to your patients after you do this?
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God, give me an answer. i am no longer able to be gracious about it.

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i will be in court on monday, send your thoughts, and prayers there that day, because there will be one person deciding this outcome. a judge. who is a judge in a mental health court? does she know my daughter? she saw her on a gurney strapped down while i sat there being appointed "her voice".
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God, please give me her voice.

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who are you?

girls in white dresses
soft
in the summer sun
reflect
give solace
in the darkness of winter
the snow fades.
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"i dream you in my sleep. free spirits fall fast and rise up quickly, never really hitting the ground". -december 2007