trials by fire, so hard to see a scene like the one i was in with my daughter

my daughter broke my heart today. it is planned that i continue seeing her on thursdays as i have even outside of the hospital at her care place. so today, i admit to being very tired, and wrapped a donut up for her and drove to see her. i got there and the nurse came down the elevator and told me many reasons why i can't go up. my daughter had a rough night, needed sleep, was ramped up. i simply stated that i was going up anyway as she was expecting me on this day and i would see her and leave if she got wound up or something, i was prepared for whatever mood she was in, after all i've lived with her the longest. well, she was sitting there at a table, and i greeted her and she jumped up and hugged me for dear life sobbing so loudly my ears were deafened by it. "mama,mama mama" over and over at the top of her lungs with her face buried into my shirt which ended up being soaking wet from her tears and drool when i left. i rubbed her back and she kept saying "don't die". while wailing, if you can imagine the scene, it was horribly painful to hear her. i talked calmly and rubbed her back as she hugged me and told her to breathe. finally i talked her into walking to her room and eating the donut, encouraging her to be calm and rest. she always believes she is abandoned, put up for adoption, or that i died when she is psychotic. this is one of the worst couple of last 2 weeks than she has had in years with this stuff. i stepped back and said, "look at me, it is thursday and i am right here i am ok and you are too, everything is ok, i will be back tomorrow." she calmed down and the staff had the elevator door open they weren't too happy with me calming her down and i don't care. this was heart wrenching crying then for me driving home, i ended up taking a country drive out to look at the mountains and trees and made myself feel better. i hope she is ok tonight. this stuff is painful, and when it happens like this to her it is very hard. she does come out of it eventually, at least other times. as you can read compared to the other day this is how it goes with her, up and down, and always based in fears of non-reality story lines in her mind. i just got back from the dog park and that was pleasant and the dogs always make me smile. i imagine the staff were stoic, as they need to remain calm in that situation.

*addendum at 8pm or so tonight:

the photo i added here is from last year on a country drive with my daughter. my own drive today looked similar. the week before this all broke loose in august she was home eating her favorite spaghetti dinner. it was such a great dinner here.