as i drove toward the hospital the sun was shining behind me, and on my car. in front of me was what appeared to be a dark mass of black storm clouds. "into the storm", i thought as i drove toward it. as i approached the hospital the sun was gone and the rain was coming down.
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"get out of here, mom, right now. no one loves you anymore you bitch.", she said as she ate the snicker doodle cookies i brought to her.
"i won and you didn't.", she added.
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i sat in a chair for a while waiting to see if she wanted to see me or visit, connect with someone she knows, anything. i wonder if she knows the terror in my heart when i think about her being missing. she doesn't. i walk toward her room, where a staff is seated outside of the door. she is on an agitated state line of sight. she is agitated and has been this way since the re-admit. i haven't felt her connect outside of her world, yet. she is always wound up creating a new constitution or feeling she has won a war, she called herself a soldier 2 weeks ago.
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"go away now, this is my home." she said with authority in her voice. she paces. and she is pacing in her room there, with a staff 10 feet from her at all times.
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i just hope she knows i love her, i am pretty sure she does. but time passes, she is getting older and she is entrenched in the adult system, where i cannot spend any time with her to even hear her psychotic talk long enough...i have heard it all in the past, and can tell from her words if she is listening to negative internal stimuli. in other words, as her mother, i have to listen to what she is saying because i have to give input on her ability to be out in the "real world". when she thinks she is in a war zone trying to get to a place she names ( an old hospital) she will try and get there, and yet in the real world, the war zone ends up being neighborhoods and police cars finding her, because the world she is living in doesn't have a real destination, though it does: where she is at today, locked up in a psych ward. she won she said. i think she won the battle to live outside with freedom of choice, i think she won the battle that she means she didn't want that freedom, she is where she was trying to go.
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7 comments:
As a schizophrenic I can give my opinion that there is not one voice, there are multiple voices.
The ability to hold a contrary opinion to ones father or mother (without fear of reprisal) is a major foundation in ones identity . I think this is what she is referring to in "I won". Not that she is in an institution.
Keep in mind her brain is under the influence of whatever chemicals the psychiatrist has her on.
She is in a jail that must not be called a jail. Anger is not permitted in this "hospital".
She has to take medicine that must not be called poison.
I myself have a paradox of love and hate of my parents. Many people have this paradox and when they become adults, people often move to the other side of the country to get some breathing room.
Do not take her words of hate to your heart. She is trapped in a paradox of catch 22's.
thank you Mark, I understand. i've seen it over and over again in the hospital, people yelling at the parent to leave.
Oh honey please know this-no matter what- at the very least one of her selves loves you incredibly-at the very least one of her selves appreciates every visit-at the least one of her selves misses you every.
Feel no guilt when the others talk. I can't stop the pain for you because that won't stop but I can send up the highest of wishes that you get to meet all of those within her that love you so,so much.
Every blessing
She knows you love her Steph.
<><
For every situation and condition related to our human experience; there is always a million "what if's" and only one "what Is".
Incidentally, you may want to point out to Linds that one may "win" or "lose" a game of tennis, or tiddlywinks, where there is a very clear set of rules and objectives agreed, before play starts. One may not win in a relationship with another human being, particularly where one of the parties is unaware that a competition is taking place.
If Linds is where she wants to be, then don't attempt to move her, but be aware that she may not wish to be where she is, forever, and you shouldn't force her to abide by her present decision, indefinitely. However, if, as you once stated, you want her back to where she was before this all started (and it's towards this objective that I've been bending my thought), then you are going to need to learn some communication skills above and beyond what you have at your disposal already. The upshot will be that you are likely to be the only one to whom Linds is prepared to speak "normally".
I'm not going to guess at why you've not been posting my comments, and I'm not going to talk to a brick wall - I don't want to spend my time circulating round your reality with no information to navigate with, to be honest. Stonewalling is crude and violent, Stephany. If you'll take my advice, you won't do it.
Matt
You know what Matt? this is the first comment Ive seen from you since your last one.
It is not my habit to not post comments unless they are from harrassers of which you know you are not one.
The comment box says it doesnt work sometimes for this reason.
Go ahead and make that stonewalling comment here, and not ask me in email if there was a problem with my comment box.
I am not forcing my daughter to live anywhere or remain anywhere. I support here where she is at, and frankly this is not the time to push your shit onto me.
Go get "un-ruffled" about how you thought I wasnt posting your comments and then come back and leave one that isnt so mean.
I think we have known each other long enough to speak this way, and frankly I am too tired to care if people are off in a corner sulking when their comment doesnt work!
Jesus!
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