it was cold this morning. i wore my scarf and scraped the frost from the car windshield as the car engine ran in the drive. i had packed another container of pesto sauce tortellini with grated Parmesan cheese on top, a wax paper bag with an old-fashioned donut, tossed in a few mini marshmallows and junior mints. pineapple in another container, and what the hell, i sprinkled marshmallows on the top of the fruit. i walked into the building to sign in, after walking from the car and past a (let's call a person of interest) person who i know knows me, and knows about my daughter, i've never met the person, and i have a feeling that it's a big wig in charge of that internal "utilization review". so i blatantly smiled and waved my princess wave in the air at the man as i walked into the building--i saw myself in the reflection.
the sliding glass doors held an image. it was me. i was walking toward a hospital with a strong appearance. i wore jeans, had on a scarf, and was carrying a bag with food inside. i was surprised that i didn't appear less confident.
the doors opened, and i walked inside and placed the bag on the counter. standing there, waiting for someone, was a suit. oh yes, that astrazeneca pharma-rep suit is seen a mile away. i signed in and moved a little too close to him, trying to read his paperwork, i did that on purpose. there are few people i want to see in the morning on my way to visit my daughter, and that is an astrazeneca pharma rep. he left. i told the receptionist that i would file that paperwork for him, in the trash can. he didn't let me. darn.
--
as i sat at the little round table with her she unloaded the plastic bag. i usually do that and put the bag in my coat pocket, since the bag isn't allowed on the ward for reasons you can figure out. she appears to be enjoying this food from home thing, and she is also fighting a war at the rockefeller center in her mind.
"hey, if you look out the window, it's a nice view", i said. She looked up and looked out. "where would you want the view to be of if you could pick?", we've had a lot of nice views in our life, i continued. she ate her food and goodies and there is a rote type of communication going on now. i tell her things and watch for reactions, she eats the foods i know are her favorites. but she clearly states one thing a lot: "i'm having bad thoughts". so i encourage her to keep it calm and keep them in the background noise. "i need to come up with a new theory", the war is at the rockefeller center.....one of her favorite things, like mine is watching christmas trees light up. the rockefeller center has been a dream of mine forever. i drive past a christmas tree farm when i visited her at the residential care place the last 2 years--each time i think about how many trees a person has in their lifetime. as i would drive past, the trees would pass quickly. like life does.
--
i was at a traffic light and was thinking about how i am going to turn 50 in a few weeks. it all happens in a few weeks, christmas, i turn 50, she turns 22 on new year's eve. when the lights on the trees light up your home, think of her.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
Posts
7 comments:
OK. Nature abhors a vacuum, right? So, there's no point in telling Linds "don't think those thoughts," or "suppress those thoughts," because they'll just pop straight back, again.
Instead, an alternative, a substitute, is required. First, ask ""bad" as in you feel bad about them?" and then follow that up, with "what would you be doing, if you were having good thoughts?". She'll pick something, probably to do with horses, or dogs, or something else that's entirely her own, which is why it will work - the association will have been made, and that's that.
Matt
well yes, i take playing cards and make a pile and say here's a stack of good thoughts, and ramble on about horses and other places, purposely getting her mind somewhere else, while validating what she is telling me, with "what else?" Oh really?" no way! etc. totally engaged in all aspects of the conversation, and also reminding her to keep it calm and low key because as i said today, as i leaned in across the table--"if either one of us busts out, yells, screams or anything loud, they will make me leave. as long as we are quiet i can stay, i wanted you to know that's why they make me leave some of those days, when you got loud".
telling her how to act in there to remain under the radar so we can visit, just another aspect of that place. feels like jail, we all know this is not good, but i'm there for her, and it will be better, it has to be better one day.
I wonder if she'll make sense of that? That business of "quiet and compliant," I mean. It goes against logic: if someone has something to say, they say it; they don't suppress it. Actually, I know that's not true - people suppress stuff all the time, but it's not healthy.
Anyway, try and get her to think of her own stuff, because there will be a whole bunch of positive associations linked to that, which will make sense to her, immediately. Also, the realization that one thought of a solution for oneself (even if it's at the suggestion of another), provides a tremendous surge in self-belief, I've noticed.
Matt
In there, she has seen what happens to her and others for expressing emotions and being loud: they get forced injections and the seclusion room.
That's why i talked to her about going with the flow of the "rules" that we have to be quiet to visit or else. Sick isn't it?
it's always women who are being shut up with drugs and in seclusion because they cry loud. my daughter, who gained her voice back in august is being punished for speaking and feeling.
that i know, so i also tell her whatever she has to say is important, dont stop talking, just get the hell out of there!
ive got the whole thing down, not to worry about that.
it's evil, and that's all there is to it. drug em shut em down, make them disappear.
i keep in her ear all the time reminding her to stay here, dont give up.
God i hate that place
"Sick"? Well, I'd rather not attach too negative a connotation to the practice, essentially for my own wellbeing... "Against logic," shall we say? It's kinda like some sort of Pavlovian conditioning, isn't it - one speaks out of turn, and one is punished? Eventually, one censors oneself, because the association between speaking out and punishment is so strong. A trigger... They're establishing negative triggers. Are they doing that one purpose? And, if so, why - just so that their lives are easier?
Anyway, we're unlikely to get answers to those questions, so let's deal with what's in front of us. I don't think Lindsay's ill, and I don't think she ever has been. When the penny finally drops with the institution, they'll feel foolish (and be terrified that they've been treating a healthy person like a retard), and discharge her. Your task, should you choose to accept it, is to speed that process up. I think the staff at the institution will start to realize that Lindsay thinks faster than them, in a sense, and the only way they're going to realize that is if they talk to her, but they won't talk to her, because she's mentally ill and not deserving of normal communication, apparently. Catch-22 (speaking of which, I have a copy on my shelf, which I still haven't read).
Hmmm. There's a possibility... If Lindsay's still interested in reading, you could give her a whole bunch of pieces of great literature. You never know, if she decides to read, again, the mere association between her and a complex piece of writing might flip the staff's perceptions. You know, the very idea that she could comprehend such a thing, when they had never imagined that she could...
I dunno... I don't know the staff well enough to know how to approach that particular issue.
Matt
Steph- I'll put up two candles-one for each of you. Keeping you in my prayers.
<><
thank you Noe Noe, I appreciate it very much
Post a Comment