be still

my heart races and my mind panics. then i calm down and focus, create a speech in my mind and remain focused, then my heart pounds, my eyes brim with tears and my face feels hot. that's about how it's been going since waking up this morning.
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i visited my daughter and told her of the doctor's plan again. she is scared. yesterday when she hugged me she was shaking. she rambles some non-reality in this world stuff and i reminded her to keep it on the background noise level. i tell her i am going to court for her tomorrow and i will be with her whatever the outcome. she went to the nurses station and got a piece of candy and handed me one.
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sitting there with candy in my mouth, the sun streamed in through the windows at my little table at the cafe' in my mind, i closed my eyes and talked out loud to my daughter "if you sit in the sun, and close your eyes, you can be anywhere but here". and i did that. i leaned back in my chair, closed my eyes and told her to visualize good places to get through this.
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another patient came over and i offered to play cards. we played "go fish". one of the first times i've seen this patient interact like that at all in a very long time (ever). my daughter roamed around us, didn't play the card game, she usually sorts the cards anyway. after two rounds of "go fish" i said i needed to go, and found my daughter to say good bye. "you are so retarded mom", she said back to me. "well, thank you very much", i said with an exaggerated tone. then she went to the wall phone and said she was calling court to tell them she needs to be adopted. i told her to go to art group. (yeah i stopped doing what the doctor wanted, i've increased visits and yes i directed her to art group)
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i've done a lot of things in my life that are hard and this is the worst. i want to lay on the ground and cry and scream and beg God to let me off of this nightmare, tell God He asked far too much of me, that i feel i will fall apart. no, i actually don't want pain anymore. i don't want to feel that pain in my heart and the gut-sobbing crying that is at the edge of my being. if i cry i won't stop. so i can't do it.
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i am going to the judge tomorrow morning at 830am pst. i will be presenting facts of safety issues at the institution, and then making my plea for the hospital to make an exception for a continuance of care there, to consider her as an individual case, to consider how a transfer to a new hospital at christmas and for her birthday will be (sad, horrible, unjust, not right, just plain wrong, no compassion, etc.) a detriment to her wellness. i will be, in essence begging. i have nothing to lose at this point and if someone doesn't speak out for her and ask the impossible, then who will? I WILL.