believe

"we can only be said to be alive in those moments when our hearts are conscious of our treasures."

--thornton wilder

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the title of my previous post could have been an obvious one. the title we all dreaded, and expected or didn't care to read.

it could have read, "i lost! i lost the battle and i failed my daughter."

it's how i feel but will not allow those emotions to cloud my mind now. i have been trying my best to remain in the mindset where i talk to my daughter about being--about not giving up hope and focus on never giving up.

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i always listen and hear all that happens around me.

there is a constant path in my mind to take, based on evidence and what people say to me. in other words, do not worry that my daughter has been sent to the institution, because she is not there yet. if she does end up there, rest assured that i will have moved every legal mountain possible in my human power.

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i would move heaven and earth for my daughter

i have pushed the system further than most parents would, actually---most parents i have met don't like my ideas. i gave the attorney all of the leverage (information to delay the transfer to western) he needed since the day before thanksgiving, when the hospital doctor left me the cold and heartless voicemail that he was sending my daughter to western.

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WHEN i walked into court on the 8th and presented an unknown to present time witness to advocate for my daughter under oath, the entire place scrambled.

both sides garnered information, took statements, and i was able to delay, once again--the hearing. the day began at 830am and ended at 5pm. it was continued the next day, and anyone sworn in was still under oath when they walked into the courtroom on the 9th.



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one of the most difficult things to do this week was to telephone her sisters yesterday. i was sick to my stomach, no one has died, (meaning making a dreaded phone call that felt that way) but to know where she is going due to previous history and to have to phone her 2 older sisters, was in fact one of the hardest moments of my life.

i say that a lot. the worst day of my life, etc. it seems to blur together and until my youngest has decent care this is not over.

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notes from court

you cannot speak until asked, and the tissue box was out of my reach. i did blurt out "no one kicked me!" and was in trouble for doing so, but hell if the hospital wants to testify that my daughter kicked me, they better be corrected because it is in the chart and it did not happen.


oh, i sat there taking notes, staring at the paper at times with tears streaming down my face and the prosecuting side (the hospital. the people who are "professionals who want her locked up") was reading cherry picked notes from charts. i spoke out loud at one point and was admonished for speaking before asked in the "court". i wrote and wrote. the best thing about me for these situations is that i embed everything, i have one of those memories that spews data, facts, dates word for word. i don't always like having that ability because that's where the negative things said to me over time also can wreak havoc. a mind like a steel trap as they call it.
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the yellow legal pad paper is sitting here on my desk, as i type. the note is folded neatly, inside the paper contains the words they used against my daughter. on the outside, is the quote i wrote today that began this entry.

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TODAY


i had a very unsettled stomach. i went to bed wednesday very early and by 1am i was awake until 4am with the cat on my stomach, i thankfully drifted off to sleep until 7something. i had to go visit my daughter to tell her what was happening. it would prove to be the most gut-wrenching morning and for her, well she appeared content, exhibited humor--breaking the news in a way that tells her that it is the doctor , who wants this outcome and not me was important to me. she needs to know i am here for her.

wild eyes

a new patient blasted me as i sat with my daughter at the table by the window. as the sun lit up the room, the patient while spinning in circles with her hair freely flowing as if she is a free spirit, walked over and looked me in the eye and walked away.

she screamed, "that mother has placed her child in a hospital and that is just fucking sick, OH it is like a puppy! in a cage! she put her puppy in a CAGE!"

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my daughter hugged me and hugged me and only made sense in the hour together about one time.

she wants a big bag of marshmallows.

she said that, while eating the christmas cookies, marshmallows and 'junior mints' from the wax paper bag i packed at home for her today. i knew i had to tell her about the outcome.

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"the doctor has decided that he wants you to change hospitals."



"within the next 3 weeks you will change hospitals."



"you will be taken there by ambulance. they will put out on a gurney".



"i will be there when you get there."



"wherever you are on your birthday i will be there with presents and cake."

--

Alone in a Dark Wood

i went astray

from the straight road and woke to find myself

alone in a dark wood.

How shall i say

what wood that was!

i never saw so drear,so rank, so arduous a wilderness!

-Dante Alighieri, The Inferno
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..memories, like spies

...the salt betrays my eyes again


-Brandi Carlile, 'turpentine'

watercolor painting by my daughter about 5 years ago

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i often feel like i am curled up alongside my daughter, waiting with a watchful eye, for her to remain safe and be well. i remembered a painting she did a while back which depicts how i feel now.