the elevator door opened this morning and i walked out and held out the bag. donut, marshmallows, peppermint bark chocolate....she leaned toward me from my left. i think about it and it's always that way. it's my left arm that reaches out and i grip her with every ounce of my being as i talk. "hey you, how did you sleep, let's walk to the window". she leaned toward me. received the hug. as we walked i gave her the bottled chocolate milk and the wax paper bag of her favorite snacks. i was directed to move to another side of the room, the maintenance crew needed to do their job, during the one hour designated for visitors in the morning 5 days of the week. she drifted away.
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"i guess i will stand here, in no man's land where the floor is dry in between spaces"., i said to the staff, as i stood there in the middle of two spaces that are the only ones designated for visiting.
the 6X6 space held me, i remained there. i looked to the right it was the hall and to the left and then behind me the window and before me the window. 360 without even turning around. shuffle along and be well, you are never going to get out of here.
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you are never going to get out of here.
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8 comments:
Stephany,
I stop by to read your blog almost everyday. I'm sorry your going through this. Keep strong and keep going. What other choice do you have right?
Stephany wrote:
"...you are never going to get out of here."
Who were you writing that about? I doubt very much that it's True, anyway...
Lindsay doesn't have to be physically out of there, in order to not be there. She doesn't belong there, that much is evident. She knows that as well as anybody, and because of that she'll find a way to avoid the reality of the regime. Like mist: they'll think they have control of her, only to find that she's slipped through their fingers, and is standing behind them, laughing quietly. And yes, she is that bright, of that I'm convinced.
Matt
Hi Mark, thanks for reading and the support, I hope you all have a nice Christmas w the grandkids and each other.
Who i wrote 'never getting out of here to.....it's the feeling about the place, the instiutution and the system.
today was better, i played cards with another patient and my daughter ate her snack, and interacted a little with others, actually had a nice group going in our little corner. she verbalized wanting a hot dog and a cherry coke.
Well, if there's one thing I've learnt, as I've sought crumbs of salient (to me), information, from the great tables of wisdom of our wiser and betters (eg, when I mailed the DoH, the other night), it's that they have absolutely no wish to have us in the system, at all. We are on the outside, in their minds, and our only contact with them takes place when they want to sell their wares.
So, you see, your/Lindsay's struggle is not in getting out of the system, but getting in, in the first place! Try to ask for some information, and see how quickly you get stonewalled!
Anyway, the very act of acknowledging another person's existence can have therapeutic benefits, I've noticed. Those other patients are probably desperate for some kind of validation of their existence, and if you are able and willing to provide that, when the staff can't/won't, then they'll flock to you, I imagine. Don't underestimate the quality of your own communication skills, Stephany. They are, after all, what this is all about.
Matt
thank you Matt, i arrive daily with pockets loaded with candy, and playing cards and myself, who is all i can be.
Steph- please forgive me for not always commenting even tho I always read. I just do not have the words. I am sorry and for the one millionth time I so wish I could fix this. I am glad for the good days. And I will keep the candles lit for as long as it takes.
<><
i couldn't comment either Noe Noe, i'm writing as it happens, more intensely now than before, and i typically log off the comp after writing a post to breathe.
i follow everyone's blogs and read too and am worse for the wear for commenting.
but i read too
Stephany wrote:
"thank you Matt, i arrive daily with pockets loaded with candy, and playing cards and myself, who is all i can be."
I'm not quite sure why, but that reminded me of a Muhammed Ali quotation:
"It's the repetition of affirmations that leads to belief. And once that belief becomes a deep conviction, things begin to happen."
He also said something along the lines of:
"I'm the greatest. I said that, even before I knew I was."
There's a lot of truth in both those quotations... It's a lot easier to accomplish things, when one believes that one will accomplish them. Believing that one is capable of accomplishing things *only* after one has achieved them is a painful business, I've found.
Matt
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