each morning the physical anxiety causes me is almost unbearable. a glimpse into coping with waiting for the "any day, at any time" discharge/transfer to the state institution rips my gut, it is a gut-wrenching situation, with deep roots in angst, pain and suffering. when i sleep i often have nightmares and most nights my heart beating(pounding) wakes me up. i'll get out of bed and get a drink of water, try and deep breathe and eventually i will get back to sleep.
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good white bread toast.
this started when the doctor left the voicemail on my cell phone the day before thanksgiving telling me he was going to recommend the institution and a court hearing to get what he wanted.
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golden brown toast, often with an over easy egg on top with a crisp piece of bacon crumbled over the top. toast with apricot jam. toast with butter, toast with margarine. it's like bringing in the coping skills with food category 'big guns'.
the dog has even grown accustom to this recent toast with over easy eggs on top each morning. it's when the stomach churns, my hands are clammy, and my heart races. it's hits about 9am like clock work. because that's the time i get dressed to drive to arrive on time for visiting hours. then the anxiety increases when i wonder if "i will get upstairs". honest to God, do you think these people who see me visit her with a smile on my face know what it takes to get through the day as her mother? i'm typing through the anxiety attack and will get dressed, get in the car and go. i hope she's awake, i want to give her a hug and see how she is this morning.
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1 comments:
((((HUGS))))) So very sorry that you have to go through this and our system is so poor. They just don't get that we are partners, that are suppose to be working together, with the same goal in mind. Not putting the mother on the defensive.
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