in the middle of no man's land

the sun was shining brightly as i drove to the hospital yesterday. the low sun in the winter sky means driving directly toward the sun, in my view the entire 90 minutes. i arrive at the hospital and observe the daffodils standing as they should. as soldiers, greeting the patients, warriors, survivors, and souls who enter the property grounds. all of the trees are fat with floral abundance waiting to happen, some will be white flowers, some pink. the crocus are all open, some hyacinth alongside them. appearances of the flowers make me feel like this is sacred ground, a crying place, a place where it appears to be spring, but once you realize where you are, you know it is not.
--

i eagerly pushed the elevator button. happy to see my daughter, the door opens and i exit. i eagerly then push the doorbell button, so a staff will come unlock the double metal door that locks away my daughter all day and night, except for the times i can take her outside on a pass.

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WHEN she was missing. when she was missing.

that phrase holds so much emotion. it was midnight in October, when she was lost and police were looking for her. i was driving my car looking, while on the phone to the police officers. as the hours passed the dread worsened. i felt my chest heave with a gulp of air that was going to exhale into a considerable and forceful wail, a gut sob like no other. it began and i held my breath.

i had to remain composed, and not give in to the horror in my mind. the thoughts of how she could be found, flooded my mind and gave me no solace, could it be in a dark alley, could she be trapped in some one's car, already dead? my mind fueled by the terror of losing my daughter.

--
opening the car door, i yelled her name. like you do when your child is lost. with a loud desperation that she hears me, i turn the headlights on the car to bright. i drive slowly aiming the lights toward shrubs. i find a group of male teens, i ask them if they saw her, hoping to God they didn't. one of them mumbled something about a dirt road. i panic. what dirt road? my heart races, i drive to no man's land. the place you do not know where you are going, looking to find what you lost, and have no idea where it is, the destination and person are unknown.

the feeling is internal panic.

--
the police woman directed me to the locked police station, at somewhere around midnight. by this time she was missing about 6 or more hours. the care facility refused to call the police. they called me 3 hours after they knew she was missing to tell me that.

--
i rang the doorbell inside the locked police station waiting area. no one came. the parking lot was empty, it was in the 40's outside, cold and dark. it felt cold and dark. i paced, and paced and opened the door to pace out in the parking lot, clutching my cell phone and running to the intersection nearby to tell my friend where i was to meet me. he was searching too.

the cell phone buzzed in my hand, the police woman said, "they have found her this very minute!" Oh my God, thank God! i ran to my car, and followed the police officer's directions as he told them to me on my phone. i choked up. "did you see the stop sign?", he said. "i don't know, i'm starting to panic!", my voiced quivered as i spoke, i couldn't understand, i was so intent on finding my daughter, i couldn't hear what he was saying. "it's ok, do you see the lights yet?", "no, not yet, oh wait, there they are!".

as i turned the corner, toward the flashing police car lights, i see her. i see my car. an exact year, make, model and color of my car. "oh my God! she thinks she found my car, she thinks she found me...."

--
she was standing there, i ran to her. she didn't know her name. she was found in a very vulnerable state, missing 1/2 of her clothing. oh Dear God, was what i thought. the police officer drove her to the ER.

the doctors and nurses in the ER who stayed with us for the next 14 or so hours were kind, gentle, compassionate and outraged that she was not cared for properly at the care facility. each person who came to sit with her was outraged. she endeared them with her innocence, and her childlike manners. they brought her sandwiches, scones, anything they could find. they hugged me when the ambulance came to take her back to the psychiatric hospital.

as i walked behind her gurney, a hand reached over the counter with a plush dog. we strapped it to her chest, under the restraints. the sun had risen, it was daylight now. i phoned the psychiatric hospital and told them she was on the way, and has suffered unknown trauma. i drove to the care facility and packed her things and loaded them into my car, leaving behind minimal remnants of what she had there, knowing, without a doubt, no one, will ever be in charge of caring for my daughter like that again. she was, in fact found by police 3/4 nights she was there as a newly discharged patient from the august admit, and the police officer told me they never watched her at night. he gave me his business card, and showed me where he found her on a map. what this does to a mother's heart is indescribable, it sears the soul.

the wound is deep, and often for myself is basted with a thick layer of blame and guilt. she is my daughter, the gift from God given to me, how can i live with this? rational feelings or not, they bubble up, they come and go, they permeate my entire being. the love for my daughter, the love for a child, the responsibility is enormous. the inner struggle and turmoil at times floods my being and hot, large tears drop from my eyes.
--

THE door was opened by a staff, and i walked into the ward. she came out of her room, and i hugged her and said, "hey you, are you ready to go out?", smiling and so glad to see her. i placed my left arm around her shoulders and held her firmly as we walked out of the unit. we waited for the elevator. entering one side of the elevator, then exited the other side, she walked out first. she placed her hand on the doorknob and opened the door, i felt the warm spring like air rush past my face. i walked out with her. the daffodils, and fat-budded trees awaited our arrival, as soldiers receiving the top brass, the warrior, the weary and tired souls. the flowers greet our spirits. healing powers with each step and with each deep breath.

--
after the outing, i walked back into the ward with her. i hugged her goodbye, she hasn't said more than one or two words in a few weeks. i waved to her as they locked the metal doors with small windows in them. i waited for the elevator. when i entered it, i stood while it moved me to the floor i needed to exit. that's when i said out loud, "this is no man's land". with an elevator door to my right and one to my left, it was indeed the limbo state. one side locked away, one side opens to freedom and outside...and for that few seconds, you stand in a place that holds no name, an unknown destination, a very small space.

--
the door opened

i walked to my car. i got inside the car, and the hot large tears dropped from my eyes.