stairs and elevators

The vision must be followed by the venture. It is not enough to stare up the steps - we must step up the stairs.

~Vance Havner


----


THE first few weeks after my daughter was moved to a new ward, the elevator broke.



This meant walking up the stairs to the third floor level which equates to several "flights" of stairs. i took a deep breath each time, knowing that by the last 2 flights i would be winded, but not just the ordinary winded--it felt like i was in a tunnel, trapped and out of breath, massive anxiety due to the new ward and how the change happened. meaning, i knew i was scrutinized and they were reading this blog, and via my letter to the Governor. though i stood up for what was right, i have to say it is hard for me, just wanting "things to be OK". not so easy in this situation, always heightened in effort, and keeping the pressure on to ensure that my daughter has decent, safe care, a daily schedule with activities, the outside time, the off hospital passes---and having a friend advocate with me and for her is the road that made the difference this time. the added energy from another individual, selfless and on behalf of my daughter, at times takes its toll. i'll never be eloquent enough to express my gratitude to that person.

i have felt weakness, failure, despair and love

many times, all at once.
--


my anxiety would peak as i walked through the door that would lead to the stairwell. each step i took, i saw the step. the actual floor beneath my feet. one step at a time, i heard my breathing, and often paused. sometimes, admitted the place just 'freaked me out'.



it took time. each day that i went there knowing i would have to walk up the stairs, got easier. something so mundane and insignificant, those stairs. but what they gave me was the basic down to earth grounding to force myself to embrace that place.

--



TODAY



as i walked into the elevator, i pushed the button and (could have taken the stairs) took a deep breath, as i walked out. i turned left and about 10 feet away was a double door, locked.



the locked door between us.



there she was. waiting. she knew it was thursday at 3pm and she had her coat on, her shoes on and a smile on her face. we wait. i talk through a small sliver of a window and ask her how she is...while the staff walks forward with the key to unlock the door.



I ENTER and place my left arm around her shoulders, as she leans into me for a hug. i receive the paperwork to carry while she is out on her pass and we are off. the staff unlocks the door i entered, then keys up the elevator i rode up.



i push the button that is labeled: door. because, you enter this elevator with two sides, one that enters the building, and after pushing the button labeled door the door on the other side opens.



to the outside world, and freedom.



---



IN 2008, i wrote this:



"over the years i've been inside several psychiatric hospitals, units and state institutions.



the first one was as a volunteer at age 14. (in California)


what it's like for me in the recent year, as an advocate and as a person who is in control, remains in control, i most always cry in the car on the way to the next stop.

~



I take a deep breath as i park the car.



opening the car door, i rise up, stand and breathe again.



notes in place, speech in mind, one sentence in mind, goal in place.



i walk, with the sound of my breath as company.


i push the elevator button. enter. the doors close and I breathe again. the floor of destination arrives, and i whisper out loud "God help me."


i navigate the most always long and tiled hallways and hear the sound of my shoes, taking sure and steady steps, the sound of determination in the beat. i breathe again, and arrive at another elevator. standing taller as I get to closer to the next destination. this time, i'm in gear. the doors open, and the rush of air, wind goes past my face, moves my hair and I arrive the sure footed advocate ready to work.

~

i leave. the tone is different. sad, all encompassing, weary and silent. i breathe. sometimes, i find a hospital chapel and go there for a soul break. sometimes it's a garden. but over the years i've learned to take those minutes, however long they are....to allow that space and decompression of my mind before i go to the next stop, whether it's home, another meeting, doctor or grocery store.

it's imperative for me and has been helpful to my mental wellness, to let go of the trauma, the strain and sadness i've often witnessed.

~

one time, i stood at the entrance to a chapel inside of a hospital, and just stood there. not sure if i was thinking or not. just standing there and beginning to ask myself if i wanted to go inside.

i took a step forward and the door opened out toward me, in an automatic swing door mechanism. it startled me, and i started to wonder of a sensor in the floor under my feet? then the custodian came out, with a vacuum.

he opened it with a push button from the inside. then i thought about how i was just standing there, and the door opened, and it opened for me, so i wouldn't have to think anymore.

I wrote down my request for my life situation.

whatever chapel i am in, are all faiths and i encompass any faith or religion that offers me solace in places i am in pain.

~

i take a deep breath and walk out of the door. with a calm sense of empowerment, and a silent hope that God reads my stories i've left for him in places.

~

i hear my footsteps back down the long hallway. i press the elevator button, and walk to my car. i stop and take a deep breath and admire the surrounding city or where i am at and just keep moving forward.


one day, it was raining

and i had been to several places all within blocks of another. the last stop was a roof top parking space as the only one left. i felt as miserable inside as the rain out there. i was already covered in rain, and had paperwork that was damp from it. i took the deep breath, got out of the car. as i stood, the rain stopped and a spotlight of sunlight flooded the parking spot.

i looked around, this was amazing. the sky was dark all around me and right before me was a massive rainbow.

i walked toward it and just stood there, and allowed it to be mine.

it was my sign of something to be ok. it was what i needed. i walked and looked over my shoulder at the rainbow as long as i could.


took a deep breath, and pushed the elevator button.

God help me. "



--

My imperfections and failures are as much a blessing from God as my successes and my talents and I lay them both at his feet.

~Gandhi