notes in my pocket

you are a symphony in my heart,
in constant motion as a dream come true
my heart soars with symphonic measure when i think of you
when i describe the word love, the word symphony is equal
your smile is a symphony in my heart
the symphony that never stops playing
it increases with time, with intensity
the full orchestra plays when i walk beside you
the trees sing the song
the sky holds the music
the night sky is a violin
you are a symphony in my heart,
in constant motion,
as a dream come true.
my heart holds a symphony for you.
my heart holds a symphony,
my heart holds a symphony.

--
my pockets are always full of notes. notes to myself, notes from my daughter, gas receipts and other receipts. i had that symphony note in my mind all day. trying to describe the word 'love', without speaking, i thought of the word 'symphony', because that is how love sounds in my heart. like thinking in pictures, or feeling with music, love and symphony go together, for me at least in that regard, for one person in my life.
--

one of the notes in my pocket

has a christmas wish list on it, written by my daughter today, and yesterday she was totally in her own world. not a single word, but lots of silly faces. yesterday and today we walked by the dog park, in the dog park, and had some brain disconnect in the store explaining to her she had to put items back she was gathering for something, looked like a party. sometimes, she is in this world where you have to say something to her, like, 'it's sunday and tomorrow is monday, hi it's mom on sunday and it's 2pm' stuff like that.

--
the other note in my pocket said 'memorized "he lives" and sang at church'

i had also remembered how my daughter loved having little quotes and things on strips of paper taped to the mirror and one time on the microwave oven, typed little inspirational quotes. she was about 8 years old, and it was spring.

i had taped a verse from the hymn, "because He lives, I can face tomorrow....because He lives all fear is gone...." a traditional hymn. i also had mother teresa quotes, and margaret mead and helen keller.

Easter sunday arrived and i took the girls to church. i was standing there flipping for the correct page in the hymnal with the rest of the congregation, then paused and stopped, because as i looked down to my left, my youngest little daughter was standing tall and totally belting out the song, like there was no tomorrow. she had memorized it.
--

my camelot moment

growing up, my mom always played records while she did housework, which was always a wild mad dash on the weekends. she loved broadway productions, and i as a result grew fond of the music from many of them, one of them was Camelot. i have many fond memories of this song, which was a favorite of mine as a child. it was dramatic, and so comforting to me as a kid, that no one would leave or die, ever--because there was no season it could possibly happen. yet, it did happen. far too many times in fact.

life changed a lot when i grew up, and i spent a lot of time figure skating (years in fact) as an outlet and as an athlete. i learned much about patience and how things take time, in fact years were spent on the dance floor in ballet before actually dancing en pointe.
--

my ice skates are in the garage

oh, how i have enjoyed watching the winter olympics, via Internet. so many times watching any of the skating competitors i could feel what it was like on the ice again, the smooth ice under my feet, the freedom, the grace and power and ability to make it appear graceful with power, it's a lot of hard work. it remains in my heart. like a symphony. like camelot.


robert goulet, 'if ever i would leave you'

life has purpose

this is a quote for those who need to remember that life does have a purpose, it may not always explain itself, we may not know why things turn out the way they do, but as a result, we must have faith to keep life, cherish it, love it and live it.
---

"Perhaps it's done already, perhaps they have said me already, perhaps they have carried me to the threshold of my story, before the door that opens on my story, that would surprise me, if it opens, it will be I, it will be the silence, where I am, I don't know, I'll never know, in the silence you don't know, you must go on, I can't go on, I'll go on." ---Samuel Beckett

quote of the day: "life is there to be enjoyed not endured", Herrad

Herrad, my dear blogosphere friend has severe MS and openly writes about living with an illness that has stolen her life as she knew it.MS turned it upside down, and left her lying in bed for well over a year. She writes passionately about her love of her life, and husband Richie, and their wonderful dogs. Richie is her primary caregiver now, and every day takes on the care and nurturing his beloved Herrad needs to survive.

While waiting for a pressure wound to heal during that year, she bravely writes about her life in bed. She has lost the ability to do just about everything except for typing, and that has been threatened as well, when her fingers don't work.

Now, she is wondering if she may be enjoying her last February on this planet, and while she wonders, she inspires me through her words.

"Time became very precious to me after meeting Richie, realise now that trying to hold on to time can’t be achieved and only at a huge cost.

Holding on means you do not fully appreciate what you have, it means you are so focused on holding on you can not enjoy the moment you are in, means living like my mother who worried about everything and ended up not noticing any of the good things.

Do not want to live like she did and do not think that I do, think if there was one thing I learned from observing my mother was that life is there to be enjoyed not endured.

Let us all enjoy the moments now." --Herrad

Thank you, Herrad.

WebMD Depression Screening Test, Eli Lilly & Web MD investigated by Senator Grassley, Pharma, Pharma, Pharma!

The depression screening ad and "test" brought to you by Eli Lilly, makers of Cymbalta, Prozac, Zyprexa et al, has come into discussion once again by Senator Grassley, ranking Republican on the US Senate Finance Committee who has demanded transparency from the APA, NAMI, Joseph Biederman and Harvard, Charles Nemeroff, just to name a few.

From the WSJ:

"Sen. Charles Grassley (R., Iowa) is investigating ties between the pharmaceutical industry and WebMD Health Corp. (WBMD) after learning WedMD is running an advertisement on television that encourages people to take a depression-screening test sponsored by Eli Lilly & Co. (LLY).

Grassley wants WedMD, a popular resource for medical information online, to provide detailed information about its relationship with the pharmaceutical industry. In a letter to the chief executive of WebMD dated Thursday, Grassley said WebMD is seen as an independent, objective medical resource and the sponsorship from Eli Lilly raises questions about WebMD's "independence."
--

From BNet

Jim Edwards has a series of articles and screen shots of the depression test, apparently being tweaked as it was investigated, so the results change again and again.

--

Isn't it interesting that many doctors tell patients not to rely on the Internet for information, yet are directly influenced by Pharma reps, and the industry in general? The doctors often give patients a questionnaire to answer on how they are feeling (psychiatric topics) and many times these questionnaires/tests are printed by Shire, Lilly and the rest.

If you are truly going to take your health into your own hands, the best thing you can do is research before making a decision, and yes, that means read the Internet for stories like these, read the abstracts that are so-called peer reviewed, research the authors, and read the fine print....and you'll end up with the truth that the pharmaceutical industry does not want you to know. The industry is a billion dollar marketing campaign, directed at YOU for a profit, that's the real truth.
--

My article from December 2009


Senator Grassley Seeks Financial Details From Medical Groups:NYTimes, NAMI

NYTimes

Senator Charles Grassley asks questions, again:

From the NYTimes

"A top Republican senator, Charles E. Grassley, has sent letters to the American Medical Association, the American Cancer Society and 31 other disease and medical advocacy organizations asking them to provide details about the amount of money that they and their directors receive from drug and device makers.Such funding amounts are often considered proprietary by the organizations and their directors, but critics contend that the industry’s sway over such groups leads them to lobby on industry’s behalf."

"Earlier this year, Mr. Grassley sent a similar letter to the National Alliance on Mental Illness. In response, the group told the senator that more than two-thirds of its donations come from the pharmaceutical industry. In response to the disclosure, Dr. H. Richard Lamb, a board member for the alliance, resigned.""Mr. Grassley’s request that organizations provide details about the outside income of directors may cause some consternation. While a few large patient advocacy groups have provided general guidance about their reliance on industry, almost none has given such details about their leaders."

Are you thinking yet?

Further reading:

http://bipolarsoupkitchen-stephany.blogspot.com/2009/04/usa-fda-cannot-be-trusted-drug-approval.html

http://bipolarsoupkitchen-stephany.blogspot.com/2009/08/honesty-on-rocks-and-make-it-double.html

http://bipolarsoupkitchen-stephany.blogspot.com/2009/07/harvard-professor-starts-non-profit.html

http://bipolarsoupkitchen-stephany.blogspot.com/2008/09/thomas-laughren-md-fda-and-zyprexa.html

http://bipolarsoupkitchen-stephany.blogspot.com/2008/07/senator-charles-grassley-apa-open-your.html

only once

I expect to pass through this world but once. Any good, therefore, that I can do or any kindness I can show to any fellow creature, let me do it now. Let me not defer or neglect it for I shall not pass this way again.

- stephen grellet

rules, boxes and piazza: better than the fine print

yet again, i would rather be standing in a piazza with pigeons all around while looking at a fountain or hearing a cathedral bell.
---

the fine print instead

i've had a headache for over a week. the sharp pain intrudes my forehead with a piercing jab. the navigation of the mental health system and the 6 month inpatient hospitalization times 2 hospitals is taking its toll.

"give to the mother"

is what the outside of the unopened envelope addressed to my daughter said, when i read it on tuesday. there has not been any discussion to have another meeting regarding care progress, planned after the defunct one that happened on feb 12.

the headache continues

i open the DSHS letter to skim it and find that my daughter was mailed this letter from the state medical insurance coupon people, the same people (agency) that runs this hospital and the group home she resided for 2 years---canceled her medical insurance.

yes, you read that right. while inpatient in the DSHS ran state institution, DSHS mailed my daughter a piece of mail postmarked january 2, 2010 and i was handed the letter on february 23, 2010. the medical coupon expired while inpatient there on january 31, 2010.
--

handing the paperwork to the mother, not a case manager or social worker

this is not my job. my daughter is 22 years old, a legal adult, and in the care of the state institution on the state's dime, she has no private insurance and until she is found placement, maybe they need to realize she is in fact homeless.

she is chronically disabled and mostly mute, and if she didn't have a mom coming to visit her all of the time, what would they have done with the letter? what are they going to do?

the headache continues. this system is so defunct and inadequate i wouldn't know where to begin to tell the Governor to start investigating and doing internal audits. DSHS needs an overhaul. there is so much more that needs to be done. when there is another meeting planned for progress reports, i do hope the entire team that gathered for the first one shows up, otherwise i need to save my gas money to take my daughter on her outings. there will be no toaster replacement here, it's all about gas money now, and bare survival for myself to somehow TRY to give my daughter a proper life after a decade of this crap. i cannot rewind the tape of my life, but when i do in my mind, i blame myself for much that is a product of a system and doctors and medication paradigms that destroyed my family infrastructure. how to pick up these pieces is a daunting task, and while i stood in the rain reading that DSHS letter at the hospital on tuesday, my head started to pound, stifling the tears that were forming behind my eyes. i have not failed my daughter. keep telling myself that.

wednesday ramble

karma had its way today and ended the white bread toast with an over easy egg on top breakfast streak i've been on. as i was watching the eggs, the toaster oven was not toasting my bread. instead the toaster oven performed a hot white flame show. my brain also appeared to disconnect, as i looked at the white light, it didn't make sense, does that have a light on? kind of dumb blond reaction, then i said i needed help or something lame to my friend who pulled the plug on the fire. this afternoon, dinner was interesting, when the hot pad caught on fire on the electric stove burner. i think i need a vacation, which is not an option, and now either is toast.

diversion art work

life size beanie baby sidewalk chalk art by my daughter shown with her drawnings at age 10.

NYTimes: a book review, Dr. Abigail Zuger and Judith Warner : the medicated child discussion

"Treating troubled children is more than symptom management for a calmer classroom: the medications seem actually to change the structure of the brain, helping it develop in what all evidence indicates is the right direction. More children in treatment should spell the beginnings of a healthier adult world."

The infamous Judith Warner, who wrote the Domestic Disturbances column and appeared to sway between medicating and not medicating children, has published a book.

The quote above is from ABIGAIL ZUGER, M.D., who reviewed the book for the NyTimes.
--

I would like to know exactly what evidence Dr. Zuger has on file that shows the psychiatric drugs change the brain structure, and "helps" it develop. Should it read the other way around?

The medications have not been studied in long term studies to remotely know what the outcome is on a growing child's brain, and to state that "more children in treatment should spell the beginnings of a healhier adult world." is completely wreckless, yet typical in this discussion of the medicated child.

---
AS for Judith Warner, Furious Seasons has many articles about the columnist, and you can read my invitation to Judith to have Thanksgiving Dinner with me as well.

--

Judith Warner's book comes out with great timing, for a counter-balance view and new book from journalist, and award-winning science and history writer, Robert Whitaker:

Coming in April 2010

Anatomy of an Epidemic

Magic Bullets, Psychiatric Drugs, and the Astonishing Rise of Mental Illness in America

Format: Hardcover, 416 pages
On Sale: April 13, 2010
Price: $26.00
ISBN: 978-0-307-45241-2 (0-307-45241-7)

"In this astonishing and startling book, award-winning science and history writer Robert Whitaker investigates a medical mystery: Why has the number of disabled mentally ill in the United States tripled over the past two decades? Every day, 1,100 adults and children are added to the government disability rolls because they have become newly disabled by mental illness, with this epidemic spreading most rapidly among our nation’s children. What is going on?

Anatomy of an Epidemic challenges readers to think through that question themselves. First, Whitaker investigates what is known today about the biological causes of mental disorders. Do psychiatric medications fix “chemical imbalances” in the brain, or do they, in fact, create them? Researchers spent decades studying that question, and by the late 1980s, they had their answer. Readers will be startled—and dismayed—to discover what was reported in the scientific journals."

AND

"In this compelling history, Whitaker also tells the personal stories of children and adults swept up in this epidemic. Finally, he reports on innovative programs of psychiatric care in Europe and the United States that are producing good long-term outcomes. Our nation has been hit by an epidemic of disabling mental illness, and yet, as Anatomy of an Epidemic reveals, the medical blueprints for curbing that epidemic have already been drawn up."

Furious Seasons author Philip Dawdy co-authors and campaigns for I-1068, marijuana law reform

Many of us are readers of the mental health news blog, Furious Seasons, authored by investigative journalist, and former Seattle Weekly reporter, Philip Dawdy.

Dawdy's blog has been on a recent (and unofficial) hiatus, due to the extent of the time and nature of filing a ballot initiative, where Dawdy wrote in January:... "proposed initiative repealing the State of Washington's criminal penalties relating to the adult use, possession and cultivation."

Dawdy, has his work cut out for him, and Sensible Washington has their first batch of printed petitions, and volunteers are hitting the streets, and having meetings in attempt to acquire about 320,000 signatures by July 2, 2010.

"We have a window of opportunity given current societal changes and public discontent with marijuana laws to assist the public in understanding the need for reform and how it can be accomplished sensibly. It is sensible to prevent the State of Washington from wasting about $105 million a year—and possibly tens of millions of dollars more—in taxpayer funds during the depths of a recession. It is sensible to end criminal penalties for responsible adults. It is sensible to protect medical marijuana patients now. Arrests of patients are expanding and the ACLU of Washington has not been effective in passing legislation to protect them.

And it is highly sensible and desirable to promote a reasoned discussion on the efficacy of the war on drugs in a statewide context that will allow regular voters to be engaged instead of merely relying upon state legislators—many of whom have their own political agendas and refuse to end marijuana prohibition in this state." --Philip Dawdy,Campaign Director, Initiative I-1068 co-author

In response to the ACLU of Washington's drug policy director, Alison Holcomb's statement:

"The ACLU supports marijuana legalization and will continue to work toward that goal. However, we will not be supporting I-1068 because it does not provide a responsible regulatory system."

Continue reading the full article HERE

I-1068 is endorsed by former Chief of Police Norm Stamper:

"I thought I would reach out to you, let you know of my strong support for I-1068, and authorize use of my name (and, no doubt, that of Law Enforcement Against Prohibition) if you think it would be helpful to the campaign.

Wishing you every success,
Norm Stamper
Seattle Chief of Police (Ret.)"

As it says on the Sensible Washington site:

"Because it’s time to end the war on marijuana in Washington State."
--

If you live in the state of Washington and you are interested in signing a petition, or volunteering or just reading and learning about I-1068, then take a look at Sensible Washington, where you'll find a busy reporter campaigning for marijuana law reform. Good luck, Philip.

Pharma Marketing Blog : Pull Avandia from the market!

Why is the FDA dragging its feet when approximately 500 people per month are DROPPING DEAD FROM A HEART ATTACK WHILE TAKING GSK DIABETES DRUG AVANDIA?

Does corporate crime have to be defined any further?


READ MORE in this article.

GSK Avandia, killing innocent people day in and day out, when will this country stop being ran by an industry that does not give a crap about your life?

spectacular early spring day

today, my friend and i took my daughter out on a long walk through the countryside, played basketball with her and enjoyed the most wonderful sunny sunday together. i think it was the best sunday we all have had in a very long time, a few hours of time together soaking up the gorgeous view of local mountains and trees, the sunshine and all was just magnificent. i enjoyed the moment very much.


*54 degrees!

in the middle of no man's land

the sun was shining brightly as i drove to the hospital yesterday. the low sun in the winter sky means driving directly toward the sun, in my view the entire 90 minutes. i arrive at the hospital and observe the daffodils standing as they should. as soldiers, greeting the patients, warriors, survivors, and souls who enter the property grounds. all of the trees are fat with floral abundance waiting to happen, some will be white flowers, some pink. the crocus are all open, some hyacinth alongside them. appearances of the flowers make me feel like this is sacred ground, a crying place, a place where it appears to be spring, but once you realize where you are, you know it is not.
--

i eagerly pushed the elevator button. happy to see my daughter, the door opens and i exit. i eagerly then push the doorbell button, so a staff will come unlock the double metal door that locks away my daughter all day and night, except for the times i can take her outside on a pass.

--
WHEN she was missing. when she was missing.

that phrase holds so much emotion. it was midnight in October, when she was lost and police were looking for her. i was driving my car looking, while on the phone to the police officers. as the hours passed the dread worsened. i felt my chest heave with a gulp of air that was going to exhale into a considerable and forceful wail, a gut sob like no other. it began and i held my breath.

i had to remain composed, and not give in to the horror in my mind. the thoughts of how she could be found, flooded my mind and gave me no solace, could it be in a dark alley, could she be trapped in some one's car, already dead? my mind fueled by the terror of losing my daughter.

--
opening the car door, i yelled her name. like you do when your child is lost. with a loud desperation that she hears me, i turn the headlights on the car to bright. i drive slowly aiming the lights toward shrubs. i find a group of male teens, i ask them if they saw her, hoping to God they didn't. one of them mumbled something about a dirt road. i panic. what dirt road? my heart races, i drive to no man's land. the place you do not know where you are going, looking to find what you lost, and have no idea where it is, the destination and person are unknown.

the feeling is internal panic.

--
the police woman directed me to the locked police station, at somewhere around midnight. by this time she was missing about 6 or more hours. the care facility refused to call the police. they called me 3 hours after they knew she was missing to tell me that.

--
i rang the doorbell inside the locked police station waiting area. no one came. the parking lot was empty, it was in the 40's outside, cold and dark. it felt cold and dark. i paced, and paced and opened the door to pace out in the parking lot, clutching my cell phone and running to the intersection nearby to tell my friend where i was to meet me. he was searching too.

the cell phone buzzed in my hand, the police woman said, "they have found her this very minute!" Oh my God, thank God! i ran to my car, and followed the police officer's directions as he told them to me on my phone. i choked up. "did you see the stop sign?", he said. "i don't know, i'm starting to panic!", my voiced quivered as i spoke, i couldn't understand, i was so intent on finding my daughter, i couldn't hear what he was saying. "it's ok, do you see the lights yet?", "no, not yet, oh wait, there they are!".

as i turned the corner, toward the flashing police car lights, i see her. i see my car. an exact year, make, model and color of my car. "oh my God! she thinks she found my car, she thinks she found me...."

--
she was standing there, i ran to her. she didn't know her name. she was found in a very vulnerable state, missing 1/2 of her clothing. oh Dear God, was what i thought. the police officer drove her to the ER.

the doctors and nurses in the ER who stayed with us for the next 14 or so hours were kind, gentle, compassionate and outraged that she was not cared for properly at the care facility. each person who came to sit with her was outraged. she endeared them with her innocence, and her childlike manners. they brought her sandwiches, scones, anything they could find. they hugged me when the ambulance came to take her back to the psychiatric hospital.

as i walked behind her gurney, a hand reached over the counter with a plush dog. we strapped it to her chest, under the restraints. the sun had risen, it was daylight now. i phoned the psychiatric hospital and told them she was on the way, and has suffered unknown trauma. i drove to the care facility and packed her things and loaded them into my car, leaving behind minimal remnants of what she had there, knowing, without a doubt, no one, will ever be in charge of caring for my daughter like that again. she was, in fact found by police 3/4 nights she was there as a newly discharged patient from the august admit, and the police officer told me they never watched her at night. he gave me his business card, and showed me where he found her on a map. what this does to a mother's heart is indescribable, it sears the soul.

the wound is deep, and often for myself is basted with a thick layer of blame and guilt. she is my daughter, the gift from God given to me, how can i live with this? rational feelings or not, they bubble up, they come and go, they permeate my entire being. the love for my daughter, the love for a child, the responsibility is enormous. the inner struggle and turmoil at times floods my being and hot, large tears drop from my eyes.
--

THE door was opened by a staff, and i walked into the ward. she came out of her room, and i hugged her and said, "hey you, are you ready to go out?", smiling and so glad to see her. i placed my left arm around her shoulders and held her firmly as we walked out of the unit. we waited for the elevator. entering one side of the elevator, then exited the other side, she walked out first. she placed her hand on the doorknob and opened the door, i felt the warm spring like air rush past my face. i walked out with her. the daffodils, and fat-budded trees awaited our arrival, as soldiers receiving the top brass, the warrior, the weary and tired souls. the flowers greet our spirits. healing powers with each step and with each deep breath.

--
after the outing, i walked back into the ward with her. i hugged her goodbye, she hasn't said more than one or two words in a few weeks. i waved to her as they locked the metal doors with small windows in them. i waited for the elevator. when i entered it, i stood while it moved me to the floor i needed to exit. that's when i said out loud, "this is no man's land". with an elevator door to my right and one to my left, it was indeed the limbo state. one side locked away, one side opens to freedom and outside...and for that few seconds, you stand in a place that holds no name, an unknown destination, a very small space.

--
the door opened

i walked to my car. i got inside the car, and the hot large tears dropped from my eyes.

saturday ramble and reading: a few MedGadget Medical Weblog winners

the 2009 medGadget awards are in, and I'd like to recommend reading a few of the blogs I read, and was happy to see win in this contest.

from medGadget:

"The winner of the Best Medical Weblog of 2009

is Gary Schwitzer's HealthNewsReview Blog. Gary used to be a professional health reporter. He is now a professor of journalism at University of Minnesota, focusing on medical reporting. Gary has become renowned for his critique of media's coverage of health care topics. And that's what his blog is mostly about: checking and correcting the weak, erroneous, and misleading reporting of medical science and industry on TV and in newspapers. We'd like to congratulate Gary on picking up the top prize in this year's Medical Blog Awards!

2009's Best Literary Medical Weblog

is StorytellERdoc. As the title implies, the blog is written by an ER physician conveying to us the stories from his emergency department. What sets this blog apart is the personal nature of the narrative, and how this anonymous author's life story often finds parallels in the patients that he sees. If you'd like to get an idea for what it's like to be an emergency clinician in one of America's urban hospitals, StorytellERdoc will be happy to tell you.

Best Patient's Blog of 2009.

Wheelchair Kamikaze is the blog of a fearless Manhattanite with Multiple Sclerosis. Marc, the author, covers MS news and what life is like to live with the debilitating disease. However, this blog certainly isn't all about his affliction. In a lot of ways, it's more about what is peripheral and outside of MS, simply from his point of view. Mark's YouTube videos, shot from a camera attached to his wheelchair, give a hair-raising idea of what it's like to be behind the wheel, and having a biting personality, while on a mission hurtling down Manhattan's crowded sidewalks."

---

All 3 are great blogs, definitely worth reading!

--

today is bright and sunny, the grass is sparkling with frost, and the dog just pawed the door to come back inside. time for another cup of coffee before hitting the road to take my daughter on an outing. enjoy the little things, because life can change that quickly, where the little joys in life have so much more meaning. sometimes, the mundane tasks can end up being treasured memories of the future.

A Navajo Prayer Song

A Navajo Prayer Song

Today I will walk out,

today everything evil will leave me,

I will be as I was before,

I will have a cool breeze over my body.

I will have a light body,

I will be happy forever,

nothing will hinder me.

I walk with beauty before me.

I walk with beauty behind me.

I walk with beauty below me.

I walk with beauty above me.

I walk with beauty around me.

My words will be beautiful.

In beauty all day long may I walk.

Through the returning seasons, may I walk.

On the trail marked with pollen may I walk.

With dew about my feet, may I walk.

With beauty before me may I walk.

With beauty behind me may I walk.

With beauty below me may I walk.

With beauty above me may I walk.

With beauty all around me may I walk.

In old age wandering on a trail of beauty, lively, may I walk.

In old age wandering on a trail of beauty, living again, may I walk.

My words will be beautiful.

golden moments

presenting wings for all to see while standing on a log in the lake, was a heron in front of me, while my daughter stood beside me in the afternoon sun.

Bob Fiddaman, authors book "The Evidence, However, Is Clear.." : The Seroxat, Paxil, GSK Scandal

Bob Fiddaman, author of the blog Seroxat Sufferers, Stand UP and Be counted has been a one man wrecking crew, tirelessly writing and researching to inform the public about the scandal behind the GSK anti depressant, Paxil. (Seroxat in the UK where Bob resides).

Fiddaman has gone to great effort to expose the Paxil scandals, and the truth behind the drug. The book is a result from a great loss and suffering in Fid's life, as a result of taking the drug, his personal life was shattered.

In essence, I believe that this book is a testimony to never giving up, to keep on forging ahead, and a reminder to us all that one voice can and does make a difference.

Fiddaman's book is available for DOWNLOAD here, and will soon be available for purchase in paperback as well..


FROM the publisher's book description page:

"An estimated 2.3 million people suffer with depression in the UK. World-wide that figure is estimated at 340 million.

Pharmaceutical companies claim to have the cure that can lift your depression. The Medicines regulators, the body that regulate the drugs manufactured by pharmaceutical companies, main aim is to protect the public from unsafe drugs.

In 'The Evidence, However, Is Clear' patient campaigner, Bob Fiddaman, highlights that all is not what it seems with the UK regulatory system. He believes that not only the public are being kept from the truth with regard to antidepressant drugs but doctor's are too."

--

An excerpt from the book:

"On Friday the 7th of April, 2006, I began what I thought at the time to be a mini protest against the Medicines Healthcare products and Regulatory Agency [MHRA] and the second largest pharmaceutical company in the world, GlaxoSmithKline [GSK]. The world of blogging [1] was new to me but it seemed a good outlet to get ones voice heard and a short way to cut through the red tape that exists at government level here in the UK. I wasn't happy with the way an antidepressant called Seroxat, manufactured by GlaxoSmithKline, was being widely prescribed and its serious adverse side-effects were being largely ignored by both the medical profession and the UK Medicine regulator, the MHRA."
--

Bob has met with the MHRA in a gutsy attempt to have them hear a patient/advocate/campaigner voice with regard to the dangers and suffering of withdrawals while stopping the use of Paxil/Seroxat, he was threatened by GSK at one time to shut down his blog, and remove a video about GSK, of which I and several other bloggers around the world supported Bob, and hosted the video on our blogs in protest against bullying.

His personal determination, and steadfastness continues to be an inspiration to myself and many other people.

Take the time to read the informative book, and stop by his blog, where there is a wealth of information, via internal documents and more, you won't regret it. Anyone even thinking about taking Paxil, should then think twice.


Good luck and thank you for the hard work, Fid.

---
The Evidence, However, Is Clear...the Seroxat Scandal, by Bob Fiddaman book promotion video

tenacity

Let me tell you the secret that has led me to my goal: my strength lies solely in my tenacity.


--Louis Pasteur


persistent determination requires guts and a lot of deoderant. i've began a process to attempt to get into a program that has grants and funding for someone like me to further my education, besides a couple of other things i'm working on in the 'me' category. it's unnerving, and demands faith in myself. this leads to at times, a terrified feeling, always having to banish the 'you're a failure' tape that runs in my mind and replace it with 'you can do it'. maybe others can relate. i know other women have done a lot more than i have, in extreme situations. i guess to have courage first you have fear applies here. courage to begin a task that seems daunting to me, and now is a waiting process for paperwork i have to deal with, i should have done these things a long time ago. i tell myself, don't look back, just go forward, no regrets,(well regrets but they can take their place which is to not dwell on them) strive for your goal with relentless determination to succeed. if i can do this, after the last decade, i will then feel i have accomplished something with my life.

the other side of the door, is my life

a true friend is one that can tell the other when they began a project and it stopped momentum. this project happens to be me. so, these are my words in my mind this morning. take action, keep your list and pick it off one at a time, each category is large so do one and take a walk for air and peace of mind afterward. i've learned that a hurt heart is the only one that can truly grow, and that life pain actually does have a benefit if you get off of your ass and grab life back, don't wallow, move on because life does, and get your shit together what are you waiting for? i have a right to be happy, and it is ok for me to have a life. if i don't have my act together how can i be there for my daughter. life presented me a chance and a choice, it's hard work to take each step, but as the other quote stuck in my mind today says, "it's not enough to stare up the stairs"....you MUST step up the steps to succeed. anyone else needing to sort their lives out get out there and DO it.

I

HAVE

DREAMS.

I

HAVE

COURAGE

TO FOLLOW

THEM.

I

AM

WORTHY.

I

CAN

DO

ANYTHING

I DECIDE.

dumpster diving for a blankie

i wrote this in March 2007


dumpster diving for a blankie


AS I wrote the list of things to do today, in preparation for my middle daughter and her friend's departure for a double University Graduation trip tomorrow-- my own mind departed on a journey.

I wrote the list, and L. and I departed for the day.

She did not have enough liquid to drink in the morning, and I was concerned the Clozaril blood draw would be one of those repeat days, of 'try and try again' for lack of hydration. So I stopped at that first store purposely.

As I stood and read the fine print of pre-paid phone cards, she found a bottle of pink and really yucky looking strawberry milk to drink.

Whatever floats your boat.

I thought I had lost her in the store, and here she shows up in line with a milk drink.

---

Next stop, was the blood draw.

If there is one thing in life that can make a person feel[in my opinion]like it steals away your rights or liberty or something; it is a mandatory bi-monthly blood draw for an antipsychotic that quite possibly in her case is not needed.

My mind wandered again.

Back to the [trash] dumpster in the parking lot of the medical center.
--

IT is the same parking lot of a medical center my kids went to when they were little, for sniffles and stuff.

L. actually never had a cold; hers always went straight to pneumonia.

So many nights, when she was a toddler I would watch her sleep, and sit in her room to make sure she was breathing.

Until about age 4 she had bronchitis and pneumonia several times. [for interest google PANDAS mental illness].


Pink liquid suspension antibiotics came to mind when she drank that pink strawberry milk today.

---

The rain here today, was ridiculous at best.

It was mixed with snow, and hail.

Later in the day,[and after the blood draw] I entered a new shop in town. It's all about spiritual, and mindfulness things. The woman who sold me 2 charms to give to my daughter and her friend tomorrow was bald.

THE woman is in the process of having chemotherapy, and I must say, she is one of the most beautiful women I have ever encountered.

AS we entered the parking lot to the medical center we use now just for the lab --i saw it.
--

The dumpster.

It is boxed in with a decorative fence, and locked closed.
--

[Boxed in with a decorative fence, and locked closed.] [as the locked psych wards]

--

When L. was 2 years old, she left her blankie in the doctor's office.

Of course when a toddler goes to sleep at night, and the blankie is missing, this will drive fear into the heart of the child, and horror into the Mom's.

There is one thing in life I know: some kids need their blankies to sleep, and quite possibly may need that blankie until they are 100 years old.

I remember thinking and backtracking where we had been during the day that day.
--

The medical center.

I called the pharmacy there.

Someone answered.

The pharmacist told me "I threw it away."

"What?, I said, "You remember finding the blanket, and throwing it away, instead of leaving it out on a entrance area directory or something? who does that? do you have kids? "

"Well, yes I have kids."


A woman interrupts the conversation.


"What? [his name] were you thinking? we have kids and you know that baby can't sleep tonight without her blankie! Where is it?" she said.

She proceeds to tell me how this was her husband and the janitorial crew at the time was his brother.

She told me :

"Well he said it's out in the dumpster, and they think it should be toward the top, in a brown cardboard box."

--
As I approached the dumpster, I thought, how in the hell am I going to scale that fence?

Well I did.

I climbed up, and over that fence, and saw the box.

[no idea why it was in a box]

I opened the box, and there was the blanket that had covered L. since she was born.

I got the blanket, and drove home.
---

That blanket remains outside of a box today on her bed.

what the ?

so the long awaited 3 week mark for the 2nd full blown treatment team meeting happened. one person was out sick, which is understandable obviously. but where was everyone else? and why did the hospital consumer affairs person come instead, where all that was done was re-explain "who " my daughter was/is talk about the autism, and how *i* was going to be assigned the job of creating the appointment for the specialist doctor and assessment. not my job, was the doctor's big plan 3 weeks ago, wasn't done and now i was being asked to make the calls. no. so they get a release of information form and have my daughter sign it, so voila they can make the calls. she is their client as a legal adult in their system, and this is when i don't do anyone's job who gets a paycheck there. this happens a lot, where a parent's role is being given the work of case manager, appointment maker, discharge planner, insurance specialist, finding a pharmacy to dispense the deadly clozaril, taking to out patient doctor, MRI, SSI paper work, medical coupon paperwork...OH wait! that's what i did before and got no services! no respite or mentor or peer group for my daughter or autism expert to take over. no, sorry this rant is for everyone who ever navigated this system, it's full of "not my job, don't know, the budget was cut"....the BEST part of the meeting? the administration person saying, "there's a dog park across the street?"

yes, i told her and i told her it was on the hospital's own grounds where the patients used to have a therapeutic out door setting working the dairy farm, and if she wanted the Governor to have a tour, then I will be inviting her (the Governor) to take a walk with my daughter across the street, so that she can see how the revolving door of the mental health system could be stopped if the people they treated there were given MORE THAN DRUGS. my daughter goes to the dog park because she has me and my friend her advocate to do it. there is no staff for others to take patients, because they said BUDGET.

oh yes, my friends watch this blog for the announcement when i send my official invite to the Governor to meet my daughter. i'm done with letters, now it's in person, and hey why not have a photo op, good press ? not all patients are escaped convicts from forensics!

she deserves more than this, and as an active member of her community as a volunteer and interviewed many times on the news for her own causes....this young woman can now have the opportunity to stand up for everyone like her who has fallen through the cracks in an inadequate, underfunded and defunct system, that they have now declared she does not belong in. i took her to the dog park for an hour after the meeting, and talked to her about walking with the Governor and she smiled. this girl used to run her IEP meetings, the food bank, all before age 17, she has more under her belt than many adults my age.

when i invite the Governor to go on a walk of course i will be bringing the media.

now, as far as her care goes, she has been doing great in this ward. this treatment team has worked with her, gotten her little jobs to do, created an active plan for her day there and given the passes for her outings. ALL GREAT....this is about the final plan, the discharge plan, the LIFE after the hospital, the reason for the meeting was to update on PROGRESS getting those great things in place talked about 3 weeks ago. and it became another budget talk, and the air totally deflated from my lungs when i heard them try and tell me to do their idea of the specialist calling. ideas and actions are two different things. we must SEE action to have an outcome, and so far it's limbo time. just what i didnt want to hear was whining from admin types. oh brother!
----

"Consumer Affairs Office

The Consumer Affairs Office provides services to patients at Western State Hospital to help them resolve conflict and complaints. The Office is an advocate for the patients and serves as a teacher, resource person and serves as a bridge between the patient and various agencies. He/she does not provide legal services or counseling.

---

HMMMM

Dr. Doug Bremner, Emory University FOX news interview, COI --Conflict of Interest income: corruption in medical research

Dr. Doug Bremner Dr.Doug Bremner is an Emory University physician, researcher, Professor of Psychiatry and Radiology at Emory University School of Medicine and the Atlanta VAMC in Atlanta GA.

He is also the author of the book "Before You Take That Pill: Why the Drug Industry May Be Bad for your health", who has also finished a book about his life story, where exposing a pharmaceutical company and finding his mother's ashes, and giving her a proper funeral-- all come together in a personal memoir.

Bremner says, in a post from July 2009, "My work in the area of medication safety started with the issue of the acne drug Accutane causing depression (taken off the market last week thanks in part to my efforts btw)...



"In his February 2010 article Bremner says:



"..an appellate court in New Jersey reversed the decision to let me testify in the case of Palazzolo v Hoffman La Roche, although they upheld the decision to not permit the results of our brain imaging study showing that Accutane affected function of the orbitofrontal cortex. In doing so they correctly noted that the results of the imaging study were just one part of the body of evidence needed to conclude that Accutane can cause depression, not the linchpin of the argument, as the prior judge had noted.This announcement caused an outpouring of hate (e.g. calling my study “faked” and “junk science”), first from lawyers working on behalf of pharma and device makers, writing in the Drug and Device Law blog, then from an MD who works as writer and marketer for pharma and pharma-sponsored CME. I felt I need to set the record straight on a number of points that were made."--Dr. Doug Bremner

Continue reading Bremner's article HERE.

Bremner had to battle it out last year with Emory University on the topic of freedom of speech, and academic freedom and using the name of the University on his blog---click on the 'Emory University' label below to read all about that, and how he took on the Grady Clinic for dumping dialyses patients to the streets. Interesting reading.
--
February 2010 FOX news, Atlanta, "Dollars for Docs"



FOX news Atlanta Special: Dollars for Docs:

"Some of Georgia's highest paid physicians on the list are Emory urologist Dr. Muta Issa, who earned $ 91,000 from GlaxoSmithKline. Atlanta endocrinologist Dr. David Robertson cashed in over $78,000 from Eli Lilly and Roswell psychiatrist Dr. Michael Banov banked over $68,000 from Eli Lilly.

Some healthcare providers are earning much more by working for several companies at the same time.

"It's common, that people who are very active, can make several hundred thousand dollars or more," said Emory psychiatrist, Dr. Doug Bremner."

AND

"Emory's Dr. Bremner said he thought paying doctors to speak for drug makers was a bad idea. Bremner said he used to do it, until he got a wakeup call about six years ago.

"I was going out to give a talk and the sales, the marketing guy like, slapped me on the back and said, 'Go on out there and sell some,' I'm not going to say the name of the drug. 'Sell some of that drug,'" said Dr. Bremner.

Dr. Bremner said he worried that even the most independent doctor can get hooked on all that extra cash coming in. "Doctors are human, and once you get into this routine of making outside income, you become dependent on it."

AND

"I think it's gotten to the point where the public is looking at it for what it is and they're saying, 'What's going on here?'" said Dr. Bremner."

stairs and elevators

The vision must be followed by the venture. It is not enough to stare up the steps - we must step up the stairs.

~Vance Havner


----


THE first few weeks after my daughter was moved to a new ward, the elevator broke.



This meant walking up the stairs to the third floor level which equates to several "flights" of stairs. i took a deep breath each time, knowing that by the last 2 flights i would be winded, but not just the ordinary winded--it felt like i was in a tunnel, trapped and out of breath, massive anxiety due to the new ward and how the change happened. meaning, i knew i was scrutinized and they were reading this blog, and via my letter to the Governor. though i stood up for what was right, i have to say it is hard for me, just wanting "things to be OK". not so easy in this situation, always heightened in effort, and keeping the pressure on to ensure that my daughter has decent, safe care, a daily schedule with activities, the outside time, the off hospital passes---and having a friend advocate with me and for her is the road that made the difference this time. the added energy from another individual, selfless and on behalf of my daughter, at times takes its toll. i'll never be eloquent enough to express my gratitude to that person.

i have felt weakness, failure, despair and love

many times, all at once.
--


my anxiety would peak as i walked through the door that would lead to the stairwell. each step i took, i saw the step. the actual floor beneath my feet. one step at a time, i heard my breathing, and often paused. sometimes, admitted the place just 'freaked me out'.



it took time. each day that i went there knowing i would have to walk up the stairs, got easier. something so mundane and insignificant, those stairs. but what they gave me was the basic down to earth grounding to force myself to embrace that place.

--



TODAY



as i walked into the elevator, i pushed the button and (could have taken the stairs) took a deep breath, as i walked out. i turned left and about 10 feet away was a double door, locked.



the locked door between us.



there she was. waiting. she knew it was thursday at 3pm and she had her coat on, her shoes on and a smile on her face. we wait. i talk through a small sliver of a window and ask her how she is...while the staff walks forward with the key to unlock the door.



I ENTER and place my left arm around her shoulders, as she leans into me for a hug. i receive the paperwork to carry while she is out on her pass and we are off. the staff unlocks the door i entered, then keys up the elevator i rode up.



i push the button that is labeled: door. because, you enter this elevator with two sides, one that enters the building, and after pushing the button labeled door the door on the other side opens.



to the outside world, and freedom.



---



IN 2008, i wrote this:



"over the years i've been inside several psychiatric hospitals, units and state institutions.



the first one was as a volunteer at age 14. (in California)


what it's like for me in the recent year, as an advocate and as a person who is in control, remains in control, i most always cry in the car on the way to the next stop.

~



I take a deep breath as i park the car.



opening the car door, i rise up, stand and breathe again.



notes in place, speech in mind, one sentence in mind, goal in place.



i walk, with the sound of my breath as company.


i push the elevator button. enter. the doors close and I breathe again. the floor of destination arrives, and i whisper out loud "God help me."


i navigate the most always long and tiled hallways and hear the sound of my shoes, taking sure and steady steps, the sound of determination in the beat. i breathe again, and arrive at another elevator. standing taller as I get to closer to the next destination. this time, i'm in gear. the doors open, and the rush of air, wind goes past my face, moves my hair and I arrive the sure footed advocate ready to work.

~

i leave. the tone is different. sad, all encompassing, weary and silent. i breathe. sometimes, i find a hospital chapel and go there for a soul break. sometimes it's a garden. but over the years i've learned to take those minutes, however long they are....to allow that space and decompression of my mind before i go to the next stop, whether it's home, another meeting, doctor or grocery store.

it's imperative for me and has been helpful to my mental wellness, to let go of the trauma, the strain and sadness i've often witnessed.

~

one time, i stood at the entrance to a chapel inside of a hospital, and just stood there. not sure if i was thinking or not. just standing there and beginning to ask myself if i wanted to go inside.

i took a step forward and the door opened out toward me, in an automatic swing door mechanism. it startled me, and i started to wonder of a sensor in the floor under my feet? then the custodian came out, with a vacuum.

he opened it with a push button from the inside. then i thought about how i was just standing there, and the door opened, and it opened for me, so i wouldn't have to think anymore.

I wrote down my request for my life situation.

whatever chapel i am in, are all faiths and i encompass any faith or religion that offers me solace in places i am in pain.

~

i take a deep breath and walk out of the door. with a calm sense of empowerment, and a silent hope that God reads my stories i've left for him in places.

~

i hear my footsteps back down the long hallway. i press the elevator button, and walk to my car. i stop and take a deep breath and admire the surrounding city or where i am at and just keep moving forward.


one day, it was raining

and i had been to several places all within blocks of another. the last stop was a roof top parking space as the only one left. i felt as miserable inside as the rain out there. i was already covered in rain, and had paperwork that was damp from it. i took the deep breath, got out of the car. as i stood, the rain stopped and a spotlight of sunlight flooded the parking spot.

i looked around, this was amazing. the sky was dark all around me and right before me was a massive rainbow.

i walked toward it and just stood there, and allowed it to be mine.

it was my sign of something to be ok. it was what i needed. i walked and looked over my shoulder at the rainbow as long as i could.


took a deep breath, and pushed the elevator button.

God help me. "



--

My imperfections and failures are as much a blessing from God as my successes and my talents and I lay them both at his feet.

~Gandhi

Jurors outraged by Rebecca Riley psychiatrist conduct

Rebecca Riley's psychiatrist, Dr. Kayoko Kifuji of Tufts Medical Center

VIA The Boston Globe:

"The jury that convicted a South Shore woman this week of killing her 4-year-old daughter with an overdose of psychotropic drugs was also outraged by the conduct of the child’s psychiatrist and hoped the doctor would be held responsible in some way for the girl’s death, according to several jurors interviewed a day after the verdict.

“Every one of us was very angry,’’ said one juror, who requested anonymity to avoid retaliation for her role in Tuesday’s second-degree murder conviction of Carolyn Riley. “Dr. Kifuji should be sitting in the defendant’s chair, too.’’

....many jurors were “off the wall’’ when they heard the testimony of Dr. Kayoko Kifuji of Tufts Medical Center. She said they were struck by how quickly Kifuji diagnosed Rebecca with bipolar and hyperactivity disorders, as well as how little the doctor seemed to supervise the mother’s dispensing of medications.

“It blew me away,’’ said that juror, who asked to remain unidentified for fear of reprisals."

AND

"With her Boston attorney, Bruce Singal, at her side in court, Kifuji had initially declined to testify by invoking her right against self-incrimination. That move forced the government to grant her immunity as the only way to compel her to testify."

Read the entire article here.

*photograph by (Robert E. Klein for the Boston Globe)

Temper Dysregulation Disorder with Dysphoria, DSM-5 let's not throw out pediatric bipolar yet

There's much buzz about the blogosphere, as I have written before about the proposed revision of the "Pediatric Bipolar Disorder" in the new DSM-5 being worked on at present time in the Temper Dysregulation Disorder with Dysphoria being a proposed revision.

I feel it's important not to lose sight (become blind) to the heavy stake the pharmaceutical industry has in the Pediatric and Adult Bipolar disorder label, as well as the psychiatrists that will most likely be skeptical about shifting their idea, belief about the diagnosis just because the new DSM-5 shifts the description.

I do not believe that this is a time to ring the "It's finally over!" bell on Childhood Bipolar, and here is why:

In the fine print of the Revision

"F. Chronological age is at least 6 years (or equivalent developmental level).

G. The onset is before age 10 years.

Let's say you have a child fit this description at age 6, and before age 1o

BUT

"The behaviors do not occur exclusively during the course of a Psychotic or Mood Disorder (e.g., Major Depressive Disorder, Dysthymic Disorder, Bipolar Disorder) and are not better accounted for by another mental disorder (e.g., Pervasive Developmental Disorder, post-traumatic stress disorder, separation anxiety disorder).

(Note: This diagnosis can co-exist with Oppositional Defiant Disorder, ADHD, Conduct Disorder, and Substance Use Disorders.)

The symptoms are not due to the direct physiological effects of a drug of abuse, or to a general medical or neurological condition. "

You have an acknowledgement of an assessment of the child not having Bipolar Disorder etc, while observing the temper dysregulation...does that make sense?

THIS is an open door for a psychiatrist to suggest to the parent of the 6 year old that the child could be on their way to a Pediatric Bipolar Diagnosis, use off-label medications commonly given to kids currently, (such as Abilify and Risperdal approved for use in kids 10 and up) to the young child, until age 10 when the Pediatric label is added.

MY example of this happening, is when a decade ago, the psychiatrist told me "I have just returned from the APA meeting and you know what they said? that many kids who are now diagnosed with OCD are actually bipolar."

With that comment, he proceeded to change the label and drug her for "Early Onset Childhood Bipolar Disorder".

What I see happening here, with the proposal in the DSM-5 is just another shift of description, a new buzz word TDDD---where upon when the child is still acting out the psychiatrist will simply say, "You know, I think it's Pediatric Bipolar".

Any parent who has lived this life as I have in the appointments with the doctors, knows how it works. They add more drugs, add a drug for a side effect, and another for anxiety, another for sleep, another for afternoon agitation....I have been there and done that and after a decade entrenched in the mental health system, where now the Childhood Bipolar Diagnosis is removed from my daughter as a label, and damage has been done to her body (and most likely her brain) from the years of doctors trialing their own idea of medication cocktails on her.

The (worst happened inpatient hospitals in the adult wards/units where many times they would for example trial 11 medications in 13 weeks, or discharge her on as many as 5 drugs).

--

More from the Revision proposal

C. Mood between temper outbursts:

1. Nearly every day, the mood between temper outbursts is persistently negative (irritable, angry, and/or sad).

2. The negative mood is observable by others (e.g., parents, teachers, peers).

D. Duration: Criteria A-C have been present for at least 12 months. Throughout that time, the person has never been without the symptoms of Criteria A-C for more than 3 months at a time.

E. The temper outbursts and/or negative mood are present in at least two settings (at home, at school, or with peers) and must be severe in at least in one setting. "


With that, I say don't breathe a sigh of relief just yet, the Pediatric Bipolar paradigm has some very strong concrete holding the base of the Harvard, Mass General, Joseph Biederman, Child Adolescent Bipolar Foundation, and drug industry paradigm, and it's all about profit.

It would be nice if there was less drugging of American children, and Rebecca Riley's tragic death didn't repeat itself in the future, but I fear this is only another way to broaden the spectrum, to increase the off-label use of psych meds to a younger generation. My daughter was 11 when this happened to her, I cannot imagine a child any younger suffering like she did, gaining 100lbs, losing friends, and becoming virtually disabled as a result of a doctor being certain of what he believed in, and this paradigm is one hella of a paradigm they believe in, and I am certain that many will not shift their ways when the new book arrives.

AS much as I would like to breathe a sigh of relief, I simply will wait and read in a few years how many of these TDDD kids are on the same bipolar medications being given out today.

MORE from the proposal

"I. The behaviors do not occur exclusively during the course of a Psychotic or Mood Disorder (e.g., Major Depressive Disorder, Dysthymic Disorder, Bipolar Disorder) and are not better accounted for by another mental disorder (e.g., Pervasive Developmental Disorder, post-traumatic stress disorder, separation anxiety disorder).

(Note: This diagnosis can co-exist with Oppositional Defiant Disorder, ADHD, Conduct Disorder, and Substance Use Disorders.) The symptoms are not due to the direct physiological effects of a drug of abuse, or to a general medical or neurological condition."
-----

Does ADHD co-existing with Pediatric Bipolar ring a bell? (the last decade) anyone with a child who was diagnosed with ADHD and then Bipolar should be paying attention. Nothing is really changing. It's just a new buzz word to enter the drugging of children arena.
--

MORE

PDF Proposed Revision Rationale:

"Specific changes being recommended:

One possible way to identify and study those with short duration episodes is to include them as a specific sub-subcategory within an improved Bipolar Disorders Not Elsewhere Classified (BD-NOS) category. The Mood Disorders Work Group is considering several ways to capture subsyndromal presentations of clinical importance and frequency, and is conducting further data analyses to assess the 4-day duration criteria currently required for a diagnosis of hypomania. While the exact recommendation and format for recognizing and labeling this clinical presentation is not yet known, the Mood Disorders Work Group, in collaboration with the Childhood and Adolescent Disorders Work Group, is working on a proposal to identify this population (in both children and adults) in order to facilitate the clinical identification of this subgroup and to foster research on the treatment and nosological importance of short-duration episodes." (page 8/11)
--

Read the pages at the DSM-5 website, and decide for yourself. There's much to think about.

thoughts on psychiatry and kids, and Rebecca Riley dead at age 4, mom convicted of murder

This is a comment I left over at Meg's blog, Raising Bipolar :


I remember at the “5 year” mark of the dx being given to my daughter, I sat with her in her psych appt and said to the psychiatrist:



“It seems that after 5 years, it’s all about what meds she CANNOT take, not what meds work.”



It’s still that way, because these meds have SIDE EFFECTS that are psych symptoms, hell even Zyprexa (antipsychotic) has “schizophrenic reaction” in the fine print, and most ALL of the meds have “psychosis” and mood change, irritability, aggression…as a side effect. But, you take that paper to the psych and say “I think this is what is happening”, as I did, and they only want to address the fatigue or dry mouth, because of course those symptoms, are what they are treating, right? it’s the worst chicken before the egg discussion, and then a psych would have to end his practice if he stopped rx’ing drugs, because then he’d be a therapist or some other profession.


The main thing learned quickly by people is that psychiatrists are based on a medication based therapy, and if you go to one, you WILL be placed on or offered meds, that’s their job.


Read this, the pharma disclosures will blow your mind (Biederman et al are listed)


http://bipolarsoupkitchen-stephany.blogspot.com/2009/08/2007-apa-meeting-pharma-funding.html


article where I posted the 2007 APA funding disclosures for most of the main bipolar children KOL’s (Key Opinion Leaders) and you’ll see what it is–not science, it’s a BUSINESS, it’s all about pharma. Their studies are pharma funded, they take money and not disclose it (and get investigated by Senator Grassley)…the studies end up skewed or cooked to make the drug the company is selling look like it’s the one that works…Biederman at Harvard is under investigation for money he pocketed, as well as a protocol breach in the child Risperdal study.




After all of that, then sit back and wonder what the hell has happened?



We’ve been duped by a marketing scam bigger than life, and it’s making profits off of our children, and killing them too–Rebecca Riley is prime example, and now, her mother is convicted of murder…but the psychiatrist who prescribed the drugs would only testify with IMMUNITY. (and isn’t convicted of a crime).

Furious Seasons has the news about Rebecca's mother being convicted of murdering her child with psych drugs.

Further reading

Another mother, and Therapist searching for answers, authors the blog, PANDAS, Vaccines and Mental Health. Check it out, she's on a quest to find answers regarding her son and the connection of strep (PANDAS) presence and mood shifts (that some doctors commonly misdiagnose kids with Bipolar as a result).

Pediatric Bipolar Disorder & DSM-5 : "Temper Dysregulation Disorder"

VIA NPR

Children Labeled 'Bipolar' May Get A New Diagnosis

"But it will take some time to determine whether psychiatrists and psychologists will actually change their ways. "I don't know what they'll do," said Dr. David Shaffer, one of the psychiatrists on the DSM-V childhood committee that is behind this change. "Maybe the practitioners will be such firm believers in it that they'll continue to use [bipolar]. But, you know, I guess there are a lot of people that have been involved in reviewing this."

AND

"Wozniak herself only started thinking about pediatric bipolar disorder when she got a job as a researcher in the clinic of a famous Harvard child psychiatrist named Dr. Joseph Biederman.

Biederman was studying kids with attention deficit hyperactivity disorder and felt that there was a portion of the kids in his clinic whose problems with anger seemed to go way beyond normal ADHD. So he asked Wozniak to look into it."

Continue reading the article HERE.

-----
Biederman, investigated by Senator Grassley and responsible for the protocol breach of the Risperdal (antispychotic) trial on children and his side kick Janet Wozniak, all members of advisory boards on CABF bpkids dot org--go to the "Senator Grassley" label, "dsm-v writing brawl" and the "OCD-ADHD-Bipolar series label' to read further on my blog, for an interesting history of the evolution of this pediatric disorder, now being moved into "temper tantrum disorder". Unbelievable, what drugs will they use then?


The Official DSM-5 APA site, where the revisions are being proposed you can sign up to participate and comment.


MEET the team responsible for Childhood and Adolescent Disorders, in the new DSM-5.


Members

Pine, Daniel S., M.D.

Dahl, Ronald E., M.D.

James, Regina Smith, M.D.

Klein, Rachel, Ph.D.

Leckman, James, M.D.

Leibenluft, Ellen, M.D.

Rapoport, Judith, M.D.

Shaffer, David, M.D., FRCP

Taylor, Eric, MB

Zeanah, Charles, M.D.

Income Disclosure

(The member) "has agreed that, from the time of approval through the publication of DSM-V, projected in 2012, (his/her) aggregate annual income derived from industry sources (excluding unrestricted research grants) will not exceed $10,000 in any calendar year." (the new publication year is 2013)

the locked door between us

I finally see the dawn arrivin'
I see beyond the road I'm drivin'

It's a bright horizon and I'm awakin' now
Oh I see myself in a brand new way
The sun is shinin'
The clouds are breakin'
'Cause I can't lose now, there's no game to play

I can tell
There's no more time left to criticize
I've seen what I could not recognize
Everything in my life was leading me on
But I can be strong, oh yes i can

-"don't look back", boston


--

i arrived at 3pm.

flushed, and feeling too hot from driving toward the sun for over an hour, i walked into the elevator and hit the button for the floor.

my heart was racing as if i was in a marathon.

the feeling of worry, over losing my daughter intensifies, as i think about it in a rushed moment, i realize i worry about losing her, again and again. and this time to a new area. what if she bolts? that's the worry.

she won't, i tell myself.

--

the door opened.

i walked out and entered the locked hallway.

i walked toward the locked doors with slivers of windows--and there she was.

we laughed.

--

" can you hear me?", i said through the little window.

smiling, and standing with a bead necklace around her neck and a new jacket on, she beamed.

i had rang the doorbell and it was shift change so there was a break in time where someone heard it to come unlock the door to let me into the ward.

"i'm so glad to see you, are you ready to go out?"

more smiling.

---

my daughter and i went out to a late lunch, and shopped at the dollar store. she hasn't said a word to me for about a week.

i bought her a pink plastic basket for items to sit on her side table in her room. she picked out a little plastic horse. i wrote her name with a permanent marker on the basket, under, over, sideways and everywhere onto the basket.

all the while talking and telling her many things, such as "i'm proud of you".

--

ON the way home my car dashboard rolled on

149,000 miles


when this started a decade ago, the car was a "teen car".

i had the luxury of having two vehicles back then, and now i drive the oh-so-loved-ghetto car as we call it. 100,000 miles on the meter driven by me to various hospitals, etc. to be with my daughter, have meetings... all of it.

karma to the car. seriously.

--

it sounds like a ghetto car. (that's when i add oil!)

the jeep is a loud, oil-drinking junker with a hole in the muffler.

but, i love the car. today it took me back in time when the 'boston' song was on the radio during the homestretch---the last .05/ 120+miles toward home, through the wooded area. i leaned forward, and dialed the sound knob higher. same dashboard that lit on fire and flooded the car with hot, white smoke and nearly melted my left leg a few years ago, at the canadian border.
---

i remember.

all of my life.

---


AS i was driving home

i think to myself, "it's as if there is always a locked door between us".

epiphany at best, or "duh" moment.

i see her face shining through the sliver of a window in my mind and focus on that.


there is always a smile between us.

-------



i finally see the beyond the road i'm drivin'.

--

2007

According to this news report, Brad was found dead with a note paper-clipped to his shirt.

"Mr. Brad Delp.

J'ai une ame solitaire.

I am a lonely soul."

"I take complete and sole responsibility for my present situation.

I have lost my desire to live," he wrote.

The note also included instructions on how to contact his fiancee: "Unfortunately she is totally unaware of what I have done."

Brad Delp suicide

the unstoppable you

"Through literacy you can begin to see the universe.


Through music you can reach anybody.


Between the two there is you, unstoppable."

--Grace Slick



white rabbit and somebody to love
---

as a carry over thought from my "who the F are you" post, i remembered one time watching Grace Slick on an interview say, "whatever blows your dress up", as in "whatever makes you happy", "floats your boat", etc.

i thought she kicked ass, was comfortable in her own skin and cool. she's a musician, an author and an artist, and yes, she's as old as your grandmother, or mother....or you. she's in the rock n roll hall of fame, and i'd love to see her sing at the Super Bowl.

she's quoted as saying, "During a 1998 interview with VH1 on a Behind the Music documentary featuring Jefferson Airplane, Slick, who was never shy about giving her age, stated that the main reason she retired from the music business was that "all rock-and-rollers over the age of 50 look stupid and should retire."

there goes the Super Bowl idea.

read more about Grace here.

who the F are you?

so much banter about the blogosphere about the Who singing at the Super Bowl! I love, love love the Who. Why didn't I freak out when Roger's voice didn't sound like the licorice pizza version?

because i'm older too.

i wasn't 18 years old and sitting in a skimpy summer dress, basking in the summer sun.

i was sitting on a chair with a tired 50 year old body with grey wires defying my roots of the old blonde hair color rising from my scalp. my hair isn't even as thick as it was before, and i'm sure i don't ice skate the way i used to either.

but for one fleeting moment, The Who sang for me.

it was all about looking back to youth, to feeling no worries or stress for a few minutes, and actually thinking, "these guys rock. they've come back on stage and they've aged gracefully, and well, am i feeling inspired? because if they can rock on so can i?"

then it brought back memories of teaching my kids just who the Who are, when the music was used for CSI programs. yes it's all a marketing campaign, hell that's why there are Super Bowl ads, it's why Danica and NASCAR, pharma and the Who and CSI are all connected. all of them connected to making money and it all kicks back to the Who song, "Who Are You". Danica's gonna be on one of the programs, did she take acting classes? i digress. then i, the ancient one sent a text message to one of my 20somethings, "the who at half time!!". she surely considered that a "oh brother, mom's wound up feeling 18 again" text, hey at least i know how to text. i'm so cool. narcissist.

the chorus we all know

"Well, who are you? (Who are you? Who, who, who, who?) I really wanna know (Who are you? Who, who, who, who?) Tell me, who are you? (Who are you? Who, who, who, who?) 'Cause I really wanna know (Who are you? Who, who, who, who?)"


--
i think we are all still asking that question of ourselves, i just love the version where it says it like it is, Who the fuck are you? must be the 18 year old rebel that still resides in the 50 year old body, trying to break free.
--
then of course there is Tommy, which speaks for itself, hell maybe it's the '70's, the long hair blowing in the wind, the longing for the care free days before kids, and trying to remember who that girl was, cause when i look in the mirror i see eyes that have carried pain and eyes that carried a sparkle....which is which?

--
tell me you didn't stand up smiling and waving your lighter in your living room. yeah!




*Thanks to my blog buddies Bore Patch and Lola for tolerating my "I love the Who" comments! :)